Right out of the chute, let’s get this straight: Deciding to work on this area of your life is very brave and courageous. It takes a person (or partners) of character to ask for help and suggestions in this arena of intimacy and sexuality, the most sensitive arena of our lives.  I always commend my clients for taking the first step – picking up the phone and calling. From that point on, it’s a team effort and the pressure is off of you to do it all alone. We work on this together.

Together, we’ll make sex and sexuality more physically, emotionally, and spiritually satisfying.  Partners and singles come to intimacy consulting to enhance marriages, relationships, dating, body image, physical sexual concerns, and overcome roadblocks from earlier years.

My philosophy is that vibrant sexuality at midlife and beyond is the secret to staying vital, attractive, and energized. It’s much bigger than bedroom sex – and inevitably more beautiful. Sex is what happens in the bedroom. Sexuality is what you show to the world as a seasoned woman or man. In my Intimacy Consulting, we ask the umbrella question: how do you want to express your unique sexuality – who you are as a man or a woman, and as partners – to the world, as well as in the bedroom? At midlife and beyond, we bring so much to the table with a lifetime of knowledge, opinion, and experience. We’re not done with our sexuality – in fact we’re just getting started!

So, what do we DO? I do what I call STRATEGIC CONSULTING. My goal is to get you on your way and smiling in as few sessions as possible, so that you can enjoy your re-defined sexuality – in the bedroom and on the boulevard! Typically, clients request 4-6 sessions.

• The sessions are upbeat and fun! Past history gets cleared right away and we move forward!
• We’re results oriented. We start with the lay of the land. What does everyone involved think or feel about the situation? Then, we set goals. These are strategic sessions in which I listen, we share, I will give you suggestions and ideas, and you leave each session with a forward moving plan.
• We develop your own private, unique strategic plan for you to implement, in small step by step increments.
• You learn how to play, relax, get your needs met, and meet your partner’s needs in ways you never considered. In Dating Strategic Consulting, you learn to de-stress the dating process, identify what you want, how to get it, how to approach bedroom sex in dating, and have a great time!

Speaking of relationships, I found a wonderful series of articles that echo my relationship style. Check them out here.

Let me know what you think! Please leave comments here.

“Do you like to watch adult movies?” was the question from the new online suitor. Later, in the same email, he asked her what the most sensitive part of her body was. This was their second email exchange, and these two queries were part of a long series of otherwise vanilla questions they had asked each other.  When she wrote back that she was not ready to chat about her preference concerning adult movies, he retorted that he was sorry if he offended her, but “that is a cop out”. (We’re still not sure what he meant). To the sensitivity response, he simply said, “Boooo”. Her question to me, as her coach: “Is he insensitive, immature, just being a guy, harmless, or horny (looking for sex online)? Actually, aside from those questions, he seems like a really fun, cool, guy. Do you think I should continue with him?”

There you have it, ladies and gentlemen! The classic differences in hardwiring. Women ache for warm loving relationships with the hope for good sex. Men yearn for good sex with the perk of a warm relationship. That’s overstated and stereotypic, of course, but then, online dating is nothing if not overstated  and stereotypic.

So what’s happening in this interchange above? At Sex on the Porch, our discussion frequently turns to “what are men in our age group looking for?” when we talk about online dating.

My reaction to my client’s uncertainty, above, is this: It’s not about him, it’s about you.

Ladies: here’s the essence of online dating: know what you want, and want what you know – and listen to your gut. Own it! As women, we are programmed to please. When you add our propensity to want to build a relationship as quickly as possible when we find a good candidate, we sacrifice our carefully crafted list of pre-requisites for our prospective date. Not that flexibility isn’t important, but when your gut says no, listen to it.

In this case, I asked her if the porn and sensitivity questions offended her? Yes, they rubbed her the wrong way. I asked her if he responded to her hesitancy in answering in the way the man she really wants to meet would have responded. She said no – he would have apologized and back peddled to mend the discomfort.

My suggestion was this: if her intuition tells her that there is something amiss here, let it go. Next! If she feels that investigating further would help, insist on meeting him for coffee in person. Remember: this guy can be anyone or anything he wants to be online. Drop the pleasing thing. The only way to begin to know for sure that he is legit is to meet in person.

Since I am not hardwired to understand male thinking, I checked out my reasoning with a member of my mature man-panel of experts. This gentleman is a carefully selected mature male, 67, single, divorced, veteran of traditional dating, chat rooms, online sex trysts, online dating. He’s also a life coach, and well educated in human sexuality, intimacy, and relationships.

Here’s his take: He agreed with me, and he added this wisdom.  Any man at this age who goes right to sex questions in the second email conversation wants to get into an explicit sexual discussion quickly, and is looking for a woman who wants to do the same. Even men who are “horny as heck”, and want sex to be a big part of the connection, will pull back and “manage their horniness” (I love that concept), if they are also seeking a genuine relationship, as well.

In defense of men, he commented that many men have been frightened away from relationships by women who confront them with long term intentions after the 2^nd or 3^rd date. These men hide behind sex-only encounters, and screen for women who won’t ask them to commit immediately, or at all.

He affirmed this: men at midlife and beyond can and should be held to a standard of being a well mannered adult about their hardwiring and sex. There is no reason a “good guy” can’t manage his horniness. The only reason he wouldn’t is if he is looking for a quick bedding down. If that’s what the woman wants, you’ve got a match. Otherwise, tell him sayonara.  What do you think? Share your thoughts here.

In fact, amorous sexy folks over 55 are much more likely to get the more common STDs than HIV. So, readers, test away, and carry your results to your next date. No kidding! Just do it.

At my Sex on the Porch event, I hear single women over 50, 60, 70, even 80, talk about “bare naked sex” (i.e. no condom) – and the challenges of suggesting that a partner don a condom. These sophisticated seasoned women don’t want to ask (we were taught to be polite). Men don’t want to offer (afraid of losing sensation or insulting the woman). Ladies and Gentlemen, hear this loud and clear: We’re not immune from STDs!

Good news! CBS news in San Francisco is on board in spreading the word! Good work, KPIX! In a discussion with CBS News producer Molly McCrea, I discussed the big red flags about unprotected sex and the leading edge of boomers. The May 20 (11 PM News) interview on KPIX San Francisco on, exposed our dilemma: living longer, sexually active, and no education to understand the brave new world we are entering back into. Internet dating means we have no earthly idea who these men or women are, with whom we are about to be intimate. Even good friends-with-benefits (FWBs) may have wandered unwittingly, at some point, and may be carriers. It’s critical to demand clean proof, no matter how awkward it feels. The only way we can know we are safe is 1. Abstinence (no fun), or 2. Show your papers! Get tested, stay tested, and ask that your partner be tested.

One other point … The ribbing and the har-har-har that accompanies the suggestion that two older people may be intimate, is astounding to me. I am aghast when I hear the term “granny and gramps” in bed. Where was it ever written that being old enough to be a grandparent connotes lack of libido? Ask most of the women who attend Sex on the Porch – and they will tell you. It’s hardly granny and gramps in their bedroom! When the youth culture catches up with wisdom and respect, there will be little doubt that Medicare needs to cover STD testing. In the meantime, keeping seasoned persons in an old decrepit description (gramps and granny) allows a stereotype that enables an ease in questioning the testing. This verbal prejudice poisons the well for needed medical attention. For more information, a good discussion of the decision to include STD testing in Medicare appears in this article.

Thursday morning. I am scurrying across Union Square in San Francisco on my way to my office, running late. It’s 10:21 in the morning. Bright, blue sky. Tourists, backpacks, chi-chi boutiques, Macy’s, Gump’s … you get the picture.

Then, the wake up call: that blaring Orwellian siren that signifies high noon on the first Wednesday of the month. Only, as you have already noted, it’s not Wednesday. And, it’s not noon.

In San Francisco, that can only mean one thing … the unthinkable. An earthquake. Or a terrorist attack. Either is enough to cause the Marie Antonette reaction: your hair turns white overnight from sheer panic. For those of us “assisting nature with her hair color” – that’s quite a feat! In any case, almost as soon as the wailing started, it stopped.

What followed was even more frightening.  An alarming Orwellian voice (to match the siren) boomed out of the tops of the buildings. Totally indiscernible, but clearly directive and aggressive. Shouting something terribly important. I have no idea what he was saying. Much like the pilot on the airplane who speaks in the glottal fry – deep, intense, but inaudible. I looked around at the reactions. Most people looked a little perplexed. Some were panicked. Others were nonplussed.

It was over as soon as it started. It turned out to be an “earthquake preparedness exercise”. The impact left me thinking about Be Here Now, that great classic by Ram Dass (Richard Alpert) from 1971. Be Here Now* is a strange but vital reminder to be present in the moment that we are in. Nothing shakes you up to get back to now like the threat of an earthquake.

So, what does this have to do with sexuality? Just about everything. Look around you. How can you get your mojo working, now? And what’s mojo anyway? Your mojo is: art or practice of casting magic spells (according to dictionary.com).

For us, at midlife plus and talking about sexuality, mojo means more than satisfying your libido. It means: What do you need in your life right now to celebrate all that has to do with your sexuality as a man or a woman – to spread that enticing, bold energy that only you can spread, in your own way.

Do you need to be touched? Go out and get it. A massage will do it. Playing with a pet will do it. Do you have life wisdom to share? Go share it, now. Do you have favorite clothes that make you feel handsome or glamorous? Put them on. Do you have a sexual experience in your life that needs to be healed? Get some help.

I’m just sayin’ … The siren is wailing, folks. We just can’t hear it. Make the most of this moment. Be kind to yourself so that you can share your beauty with others. There’s lots to do in this world, but honoring yourself and the special piece (and peace!) you bring to this puzzle of a world, as a man or a woman, needs to be honored, right now, by you. Don’t wait!

*If you would like to order Be Here Now, Click Here.

*After a severe stroke, Ram Dass wrote a second book, Still Here: Embracing Aging, Changing, and Dying. It’s an inspiration to folks facing loss later in life. Great book – upbeat and full of hope. If you’d like to read about his story about writing the book, click here. If you would like to order this book, click here.

It’s all in the knowing, as they say. To get started, wrap your mind around this: You were born a sexual being – at birth you were determined to be a boy or a girl. You will die a sexual being. “Sexual” means celebrating who you are as a man or a woman, however you interpret it. It doesn’t have to include a partner. If you want a partner, you can find one, or enhance the one you have. Stay tuned and we’ll have lots of blogs coming up, on that subject.

In the meantime, ponder this:

What does it take to have a great sexual encounter?

Identify what you want out of it. It’s your body to enjoy. Own it!

Expect intimacy; think about pleasuring, not performing.

Be prepared. Carry condoms and lubricant.

Communicate; tell your partner what you like and don’t like .

Understand how very nervous men are at this age about performance and being judged.

Be aware of how very nervous women are at this age about body image.

Go in with your eyes wide open; forget those darned romance novels

Keep your sense of humor. Don’t take yourself so seriously. Be able to laugh in the bedroom.

We all like to be titillated. From time to time, we all need to escape, to pretend. Sometimes, the secret forbidden act of taking or being taken is so exciting in our brains, that it can arouse even the lowest libidos. It’s the time when we can be tortured, tied down, taken against our will, appear in outrageously sexy alluring clothes, tempt the begging servant, beg for mercy – all in our head, and no one knows! What fun! It happens universally, and no one ever knows.

What if we could share some of it, or all of it, so that others will “get off” with our fantasies, too.  Here’s the chance. These are short sequences. They can be read in 5-7 minutes. They must be written by a woman 50 or over, and they must INCLUDE a woman over 50.

The winner will win $50 and one month featured posting on my blogsite. Check out the rules, and send in your entry today. Email it to me (info@getasecondwind.com), Katherine Forsythe, and share your fantasy with us, so we can enjoy it, too. Entries will also be available to download after the contest, from this website. Have fun!