Right out of the chute, let’s get this straight: Deciding to work on this area of your life is very brave and courageous. It takes a person (or partners) of character to ask for help and suggestions in this arena of intimacy and sexuality, the most sensitive arena of our lives.  I always commend my clients for taking the first step – picking up the phone and calling. From that point on, it’s a team effort and the pressure is off of you to do it all alone. We work on this together.

Together, we’ll make sex and sexuality more physically, emotionally, and spiritually satisfying.  Partners and singles come to intimacy consulting to enhance marriages, relationships, dating, body image, physical sexual concerns, and overcome roadblocks from earlier years.

My philosophy is that vibrant sexuality at midlife and beyond is the secret to staying vital, attractive, and energized. It’s much bigger than bedroom sex – and inevitably more beautiful. Sex is what happens in the bedroom. Sexuality is what you show to the world as a seasoned woman or man. In my Intimacy Consulting, we ask the umbrella question: how do you want to express your unique sexuality – who you are as a man or a woman, and as partners – to the world, as well as in the bedroom? At midlife and beyond, we bring so much to the table with a lifetime of knowledge, opinion, and experience. We’re not done with our sexuality – in fact we’re just getting started!

So, what do we DO? I do what I call STRATEGIC CONSULTING. My goal is to get you on your way and smiling in as few sessions as possible, so that you can enjoy your re-defined sexuality – in the bedroom and on the boulevard! Typically, clients request 4-6 sessions.

• The sessions are upbeat and fun! Past history gets cleared right away and we move forward!
• We’re results oriented. We start with the lay of the land. What does everyone involved think or feel about the situation? Then, we set goals. These are strategic sessions in which I listen, we share, I will give you suggestions and ideas, and you leave each session with a forward moving plan.
• We develop your own private, unique strategic plan for you to implement, in small step by step increments.
• You learn how to play, relax, get your needs met, and meet your partner’s needs in ways you never considered. In Dating Strategic Consulting, you learn to de-stress the dating process, identify what you want, how to get it, how to approach bedroom sex in dating, and have a great time!

Speaking of relationships, I found a wonderful series of articles that echo my relationship style. Check them out here.

Let me know what you think! Please leave comments here.

Last weekend, I attended my #??? Ferndale, Michigan, High School class reunion. (You didn’t really think I was going to reveal the number of years, did you?). Suffice it to say it was before the Apple 2C. In any case, every time this invitation arrives, I think of all the insecure thoughts we all think before a reunion: I don’t know anyone anymore. What if ____ is there? (fill in blank with one of following: old boy/girlfriend …  that girl/boy who said those evil “put downs” to me in chemistry class … that clique of hip, slick, and cool girls). It’s high school fears all over again. Because, of course, that’s where we left those people. And if you live a long way from your home town, as I do in San Francisco, there’s the additional “I have nothing in common with them anymore, and most of them never moved away.”

Then, you go. Something deep inside makes you do it. On the way, you stop at White Castle with an old  friend, and you get the same heartburn that you always did. Hmmm. Something very odd is happening. That characteristic smell and the disgusting aftertaste of those sliders are somehow very comforting. It’s the taste and smell of your childhood. White Castle – and you’re home again.

On the way down to the hotel ballroom, you’re actually nervous. Then, it all goes away. The greeters are thrilled to see you. Hugs all around. You’re lit up with smiles. You hear  “OMG, Kathy Forsythe!”,  and you turn to see someone you would swear you’ve never laid eyes on in your life. You look at his name tag and his high school picture, and you say, “OMG, Randy Finney!” All those people that you hope aren’t there? They aren’t. Maybe they were the insecure ones in the end. And if they are there, you will be amazed how they have changed in 40+ years! (I’m just sayin’…).

You learn that joy and tragedy plays no favorites. Sure, some have had it better than others. Some personalities have changed, some not. There are still dorks (no names here!), a few are still funny, there are still the studious ones, some are still happy, and some are still sad. All of us are older, and all of us have been sobered by life. Some have lost spouses. Several had lost children. Some went bankrupt (several times). One guy is an undertaker (mortician? What’s the pc title, here?). He’s still the funniest person I have ever met. I asked about business, and he said, “Not bad. I had one today  before the reunion, and I got two more cookin’ for tomorrow.”  Completing the picture, there was the promkingnowdoctor who arrived in his Armani suit with 33 year old eye candy on his arm, of course. He kept his hand on her butt all evening long.

Our histories are very much a part of who we are. At my women’s event, Sex on the Porch, we talk about our sexuality in terms of how our life wisdom dictates how we act today as a man or as a woman. What I learned at Ferndale High School about being sexual gave me – and all of us – the foundation upon which we moved forward expressing ourselves uniquely as men and women throughout our lives. Were we wounded or abused?Was our first sexual experience wonderful or scary and painful? If we attended church, synagogue, or mosque what dictums were handed to us to guide us – or to turn away from? Our life wisdom all started ‘way back then. How much do we carry today that still influences our thinking?

At midlife, there’s a tsunami of change. One thing remains constant, and that’s the people who touched our lives ‘way back then. It’s good to go back and touch your roots.

Btw, who sang it originally? Gary U.S. Bonds. What’s the name of the record? “Quarter to Three” Who did the remake? Bruce Springsteen. Click here to get all the original lyrics – and have your own class reunion.

I would love to hear thoughts! Share here.

I was with my dear friend from childhood last week, when her cat of 18 years died. It’s part of the life cycle, I suppose. 18 years is a respectably  long gig for a cat. We all expect that we will outlive our pets. It’s part of what happens when they live 15 years, on average, and we live 80 and more. It’s going to happen. Nonetheless, it hurts.

What’s the hurt about, now, that makes it different than our younger years? Everything in our life is changing, and we’d like to click the “pause” button. Our bodies have “age gain”, and we’re running out of solutions for sagging bellies and dimpled thighs. There’s only so much exercising and plastic surgery one can do, after all! We are bombarded with messages that tell us the clock is ticking, that we aren’t 33 anymore.  In our intimate bedroom moments, many of us may not have the repertoire, let alone the partners, available as in the past – for a variety of reasons.  This is not to say that we can’t enjoy ourselves in the boudoir. We can! And we do! But it takes planning and redefining. (Read Kat’s article about great sex over 50 – click here).

All of this adds up to loss around our definition of who we are as men and women, our sexuality. As we discuss at my monthly Sex on the Porch™ events for women, we establish patterns and routines for getting our intimate needs met as women and men. Intimacy – the need to be close to another living creature – is frequently resolved by closeness to a pet when marriages are dry or when there is no partner, children, grandchildren, or community to help. There’s a distinctive, unique energy that passes between an animal and ourselves. When they die, the hole of unrequited energy flow is palpable. We have loved them for a long time. Our brain looks for that familiar love just as it would for any person. We ache without it. It becomes one more thing that requires redefinition and readjustment in a life where we seek consistency.

The sensuous impact of pet is not to be underestimated – and sensuality is a critical ingredient in our sexuality. The singular smell of an animal becomes an elixir that our brain literally becomes addicted to. The touch – the feel of the fur; the sounds – the purring and the little noises that make us smile; the sight – the bouncing on the bed early in the morning to be let out, walked, fed, or petted. All these are indelibly etched in our being. They comfort us. They calm us. We’ve come to expect them for the last 18 years. Without them, we are in withdrawal from a drug as powerful as any narcotic.

This is an 18 year relationship that we are talking about, here. That’s a long time. Yet, as seasoned men and women, we have some necessary losses. This is one of them.  Life goes on. We heal the wound just fine, eventually. In the meantime, it’s an ending we wish we could massage back to life.

Check out Judith Viorst’s book Necessary Losses. It’s the best I’ve seen on helping us understand the profound impact of loss.

Share your thoughts here.

Then, just before they left the restaurant, he told her he was going scuba diving with an old college friend in Bermuda, leaving day after tomorrow. Male or female old college friend? Male (Good news). He (her date) would sure love to find a scuba diving woman. (Bad news. Sheila doesn’t scuba dive – she’s terrified of large bodies of water in which terra firma is covered with hundreds of leagues of liquid drowning fluid).

Let’s put a little cartoon bubble over each of their individual heads on the way home, after they said goodnight. Sheila, in her car by herself: What am I going to do? He is amazing, and I don’t scuba dive. When he finds out he will never ask me out again. I have to learn to scuba dive. OMG. I’m so scared of the ocean. I’ll throw up under water. Has anyone died learning to scuba dive? I wonder what he is thinking. Did I talk too much? Was he asking me if I was a scuba diver? Should I have told him? Maybe I should call him right now while it’s still fresh? … And here’s the bubble over her date’s head: That was fun. Better get home and pack.

True story. A classic example of the hardwiring difference between women and men. Ladies, we can relax. No way (or rarely) is he obsessing as we do. We’re hardwired to analyze, examine, and quadsect every situation. He has one (count it, one) neuropath for this event. He liked it or not. And he moves on, in his mind. Will he ask you out again? That’s not the issue at hand for him. Down the road, when it’s time, he will think about it. Not now. Men, back me up, here. We women can let go of the over-analyzing.

Ladies, go home and have a glass of wine and a piece of dark chocolate, instead. It’s much better for the heart and the soul, right now.

Couples need jumpstarting in intimacy and titillation in their sex lives. Singles want to know how to attract a date, or a mate, or just live sexually happily by themselves. We are born sexual beings and we’ll exit the our journeys as sexual people. On the way we want to know about sexuality no matter what age we are . “Where’s the best place to get a vibrator?” (An amazing question … hey, you’re in Berkeley! They may sell them at the bookstore! But seriously, even smart liberal educated people are embarrassed to buy them. Suggestion: email me , Kat, and I’ll help you – there are thousands and you need guidance!); “What do I do if my partner is addicted to porn?” So many people feel helpless and alone around this issue.

These folks at the OLLI Berkeley posed questions to a distinguished panel of experts. Moderated by Gail Sheehy, author of Passages, and Sex and the Seasoned Woman, and 13 other books. On the panel: Lonnie Barbach – brilliant sex therapist and author of sex manuals and erotica for the ages, like The Erotic Edge: 22 stories for couples and Going the distance: Finding and Keeping Lifelong Love. Phil and Carolyn Cowan, both PhD professors at Berkeley (celebrating 50+ years of marriage!), experts on the cycle of happiness in life for couples, who explained why so many of us are getting divorced at midlife, and might rally if we can just hang on into our 60’s plus. Then, of course, myself, who offered advice, “how to’s”, and what’s normal for our age group. The summer of Love wants to rev up their streamy side. . . yesterday was living proof. Sexual happiness is a necessity at any age.

PS. Get on the waiting list for my new book: Am I normal: Sexuality, Intimacy, and Me, and get 40% off when the book comes out in March!

Celebrate your own body, and your lovers, too. Yummmm. For more details, and for suggestions on which wine to pair with your chocolate, see this month’s newsletter. In the meantime, here are the luscious basic rules for sensuous chocolate tasting:

The number one rule is, of course, have fun. Here’s your prep for an absolutely sensuous ritual:

1. Get 3 bars of really good, plain chocolate (Get one under 60% cocoa, one around 70%, one over 80%. No nuts or flavors added, room temperature. Plan to taste from lowest percentage to highest.
2. Set the stage. Keep in mind that you don’t have to be “in the mood” to taste chocolate. Like good sex, starting the process will get you there. Turn down the music, get soft light (you must be able to see each other – and the chocolate), find someplace intimate and cozy to sit next to each other. Wear comfortable clothes – or nothing at all. No cell phones.
3. Take your time. One of the joys after 50, 60, 70 is learning that It’s truly the journey, not the destination.

Now you’re ready to get started. Here’s a quick guide to chocolate tasting for lovers:

1. Be still. Give your partner a long, warm kiss.
2. Lay out the chocolate bars side by side. LOOK at them. The color should be glossy.
3. Break off a piece of each and LISTEN to the “snap.” The higher the cocoa content, the louder the snap
4. TOUCH it and rub it a bit. (the chocolate, not your partner … but that’s ok, too). Chocolate melts at 97 degrees (how convenient). You can lick it off each other if this gets messy…
5. Offer a piece to your partner to SMELL
6. Place a square in your own, and your partner’s mouth. Let it begin to melt. TASTE the flavors and FEEL the sensation on your tongue
7. Notice the Finish. Like good wine, the finish – or the lingering taste – counts. Do you want more? Go for it!
8. Pour yourself a glass of wine, and have your way with the rest of the chocolate!

From our seats at midlife and beyond, it’s amusing to observe younger generations unearth ostensibly new profound observations about romance, relationships and intimacy. Tara Parker-Pope, health journalist and writer for The New York Times’ Well blog, uncovered such “duh” factors while researching her new book, “For Better: The Science of a Good Marriage.” Salon magazine has a great review. All that time and energy to scientifically prove what makes a good marriage. Seriously? When did matters of the heart become fodder for scientific study? She could have just asked any of us.

Basically, she found out that good marriages require working hard on being nice to each other, understanding, and patience. Well, duh. Yes, and how about regular intimacy and a sense of humor? Here’s what my clients say – both those that have great marriages, and those who ended in divorce. All of them that I asked, 50 to 100, say:

#1 is “let it go” and don’t go down to the mat except for the really big stuff.

#2 is keep your sense of humor.

#3 is, yes, you guessed it: stay sexually and intimately active – however you define it. Care enough to figure out how to inflate that flat tire of passion!

In case you don’t have time to read the entire Salon article, here’s a quote that sums it up:

As “For Better” points out, researchers found that couples in lasting marriages have at least five small positive interactions (touching, smiling, paying a compliment) for every negative one (sneering, eye rolling, withdrawal). When the ratio drops, the risk of divorce increases. Snoring and other sleep problems can contribute enormously to marital unhappiness. How you treat your partner during the first three minutes of a fight determines whether the argument will be good or bad for your marriage — launching a volley of personal criticisms is worse than opening up a discussion with a complaint. It’s these small but recognizable actions, claims Parker-Pope, that distinguish a marriage bound for splitsville from couples who stay together.

Really? No kidding? Who knew? I never would have guessed…

Duh!

Hey, world! We’re changin’ it up in the world of aging! Set in the classic of retirement settings, Sun City outside Phoenix, we watch  Jack, Sandy, Ann and friends, as they date, flirt, face later life issues, and generally live the healthy later life. These folks have the personalities that make up the Silver Sexual Revolution that I talked about in my article for Active Over 50 Magazine.  “The new silver sexual revolution is alive and well in many of the hip, forward thinking retirement communities across the nation. Make no mistake. Many of these folks are assertively choosing to be sexually active, intimate, and romantic.”

Breaking stereotypes? Of course we are! It’s what we have always done. So, don’t be so surprised.

TV is finally paying attention and catching the wave. Tune in Wednesdays 10 PM / 9 C on WE TV.  Watch and let me know what you think.

Maybe that’s why my friend Louise saved her husband’s soccer shirt, unwashed, after his untimely death. “It’s in a plastic bag”, she confessed. “I sniff it every day, and he’s right here with me.” Reader: Be careful of that yuk response. Apparently, her reaction makes a lot of sense.  I have always believed that a primal smell attracts us to a potential mate, arouses us, connects us, and at the risk of hyperbole, is how we become addicted to him/her.  Social psychology notwithstanding, I believe it’s the unconscious glue that binds us.

In WebMD online, I found a couple of experts that agree. Helen Fisher says that the “chemisty” between 2 people originates from the need to complete “chemical families”. Martie Haselton, PhD says we rate the body odors of potential partners without even knowing it. Yum. I pick you because you smell right. The bouquet of your body tells me you fill in the gaps where my hormones are lacking. I have lots of estrogen. You have testosterone. Or maybe its dopamine or serotonin. According to Dr. Haselton, it’s called histocompatibility.

The next time you’re with that special someone, or working to find him/her, put your nose in the equation.  Your woof-woof might have it right – just the right sniff may tell you more than any speed dating. Sharpen your snout. I’m just sayin’…

Your first date with him. He washed his car before he picked you up. He chose just the right restaurant because he knew that you adored Thai. The dinner repartee was clever, rich and intense. The goodnight kiss was warm, and luscious. You floated into your house after he said good night. You knew it: this one is a keeper, Mr. Wonderful.

Then, the phone doesn’t ring and there is no email. What gives? You begin to obsess. Maybe I promised to call him? What if I just shoot him a quick text? I will email him with the names of those CDs we talked about. Does he have another woman? And the big one: Was I too fat/skinny/flat-chested/big butted/tall/short/pick-a-fault!?

Understand this about men: men tend to think in boxes with events neatly compartmentalized, separately. Men, am I on the mark, here? We women are the opposite. We think in one long flowing interconnected line. That means that we build on events – one leads to the next, and so forth. That doesn’t happen in the typical male mind. Each date is a session unto itself. After the first date, the closest most guys get to actually thinking, “This one is a keeper” is this: “I had a good time. I could see her again.” Yes, men get smitten, too – but their hardwiring doesn’t allow them to frantically build the love of their life scenario after the first date, as our hardwiring does.

What’s the point? If you want to date healthy men, get ready for what appears to be “lack of commitment” (unless he is eagerly looking for a nurse or a purse, which you definitely don’t want!). It takes men at least five “sessions” (i.e. dates) before the light dawns: Wow. I really like this woman. I think I might like to spend more time with her. Translation of what this guy is thinking for women: This might be the beginning of a real relationship. What a concept – we women arrived at that conclusion after the first date!

Don’t take it personally, and don’t call him right away or ever. We liberated women don’t like this next bit of advice: Let him come to you. Yes, it still bears out in the long run. If you felt good energy, chances are that he did, too, and he will call again – maybe right away, but not always. My male clients who claim to have difficulties finding the right woman tell me this: often they are highly attracted to a woman – and call her maybe once a month. I always ask: How can she possibly know that you like her that much if you don’t call her? Inevitably, a puzzled look comes across their face. The usual answer is I don’t know.

In the end, each of us has to decide as a woman what characteristics we are willing to tolerate in our dates. If you are faced with a man who declares his fondness for you, but rarely calls, it’s up to you to decide if he is right for you. If you decide to wait it out, my advice is to remember what your mother told you in high school. There are plenty of other fish in the sea. Keep fishing! The time you spend with other men, or simply looking for other men, will pass quickly. Before you know it, the phone will ring from Mr. Wonderful. If it doesn’t, you haven’t lost anything. Instead, you are on your way to finding Mr. Wonderful #2, and you can easily address Mr. Wonderful #1 with my favorite word in dating, Next!

Then, the phone doesn’t ring. For days. No email. No text message. What gives? You begin to obsess. Did I drop the ball? Maybe I promised to call him? What if I just shoot him a quick text? I will email him with the names of those CDs we talked about. Does he have another woman? And the big one: Was I too fat/skinny/flat-chested/big butted/tall/short/pick-a-fault!?Understand this about men: they think in boxes with events neatly compartmentalized, separately. We women think in one long flowing interconnected line. That means that we build on events – one leads to the next, and so forth. That doesn’t happen in the typical male mind. Each date is a session unto itself. After the first date, the closest most guys get to actually thinking, “This one is a keeper” is this: “I had a good time. I could see her again.” Yes, men get smitten, too – but their hardwiring doesn’t allow them to frantically build the love of their life scenario after the first date, as our hardwiring does.What’s the point? If you want to date healthy men, get ready for what appears to be “lack of commitment” (unless he is eagerly looking for a nurse or a purse, which you definitely don’t want!). It takes men at least five “sessions” (i.e. dates) before the light dawns: Wow. I really like this woman. I think I might like to spend more time with her. Translation of what this guy is thinking for women: This might be the beginning of a real relationship. What a concept – we women arrived at that conclusion after the first date!Don’t take it personally, and don’t call him right away or ever. We liberated women don’t like this next bit of advice: Let him come to you. Yes, it still bears out in the long run. If you felt good energy, chances are that he did, too, and he will call again – maybe right away, but not always. My male clients who claim to have difficulties finding the right woman tell me this: often they are highly attracted to a woman – and call her maybe once a month. I always ask: How can she possibly know that you like her that much if you don’t call her? Inevitably, a puzzled look comes across their face. The usual answer is I don’t know.In the end, each of us has to decide as a woman what characteristics we are willing to tolerate in our dates. If you are faced with a man who declares his fondness for you, but rarely calls, it’s up to you to decide if he is right for you. If you decide to wait it out, my advice is to remember what your mother told you in high school. There are plenty of other fish in the sea. Keep fishing! The time you spend with other men, or simply looking for other men, will pass quickly. Before you know it, the phone will ring from Mr. Wonderful. If it doesn’t, you haven’t lost anything. Instead, you are on your way to finding Mr. Wonderful #2, and you can easily address Mr. Wonderful #1 with my favorite word in dating, Next!