And, it’s not just the skinny 20 year olds who are dancing! Listen to this from Dr. Klein:

“Another compelling feature of Brazilian women is that when it comes to dancing, everyone is eligible. No woman is too large to participate, and when they do, they shake whatever they have. Often, that’s a considerable amount of shaking, and no one scolds them or turns away. Bodies are bodies, and in Brazil, bodies are good.

In fact, the large women in Brazil dress exactly the way their thinner sisters do: skimpy, tight, and colorful. There’s even a style of tank top that deliberately exposes the belly, inviting it to hang over their short shorts. In America most women would be horrified to expose what we delicately call “rolls of fat.” In Brazil that same flesh is called, um, flesh, and it’s not seen as a moral failing or aesthetic calamity. It’s part of a woman’s body, and they apparently don’t feel the desperate need to cover or disguise it. If it’s a woman’s body, there are plenty of men to celebrate it. As a result, there are Brazilian women of every size preening. And that’s attractive regardless of how a woman is constructed.

And did I mention that the Brazilian women are gorgeous?”

‘Tis the season for parties, dining out, dressing up, dancing, or simply toasting the end of the year with a good friend. Enter Body Image and the American Woman (and men,too). How many try-ons, how many angles, how many I-wish-I-weren’t-saggings, how many I-will-start-working-outs does it take before we get comfortable with our bodies? I went to a formal event last weekend. I watched as seasoned men and women loosened up with a little wine and took their black tie bodies out on the dance floor. Some held on tight. Some, with great flourish, let it all hang out. Yes, moving (well, almost) like a Brazilian!

What an inspiration, these Brazilian women! Let’s OWN IT, as they do – or at least let’s move in that direction. Let’s move to the music and pulsate to it. Bodies are good! Just the thing to celebrate the rhythm of life in this holiday season (and any time).

“Some people don’t dance, if they
don’t know who’s singing.
Why ask your head? it’s your
hips that are swinging.”

~ Shirley Bassey, History Repeating 1997

What do you think? Let me know here.

(Parts of this blog were reprinted from Sexual Intelligence, copyright © Marty Klein, Ph.D. (www.SexualIntelligence.org).)

Right out of the chute, let’s get this straight: Deciding to work on this area of your life is very brave and courageous. It takes a person (or partners) of character to ask for help and suggestions in this arena of intimacy and sexuality, the most sensitive arena of our lives.  I always commend my clients for taking the first step – picking up the phone and calling. From that point on, it’s a team effort and the pressure is off of you to do it all alone. We work on this together.

Together, we’ll make sex and sexuality more physically, emotionally, and spiritually satisfying.  Partners and singles come to intimacy consulting to enhance marriages, relationships, dating, body image, physical sexual concerns, and overcome roadblocks from earlier years.

My philosophy is that vibrant sexuality at midlife and beyond is the secret to staying vital, attractive, and energized. It’s much bigger than bedroom sex – and inevitably more beautiful. Sex is what happens in the bedroom. Sexuality is what you show to the world as a seasoned woman or man. In my Intimacy Consulting, we ask the umbrella question: how do you want to express your unique sexuality – who you are as a man or a woman, and as partners – to the world, as well as in the bedroom? At midlife and beyond, we bring so much to the table with a lifetime of knowledge, opinion, and experience. We’re not done with our sexuality – in fact we’re just getting started!

So, what do we DO? I do what I call STRATEGIC CONSULTING. My goal is to get you on your way and smiling in as few sessions as possible, so that you can enjoy your re-defined sexuality – in the bedroom and on the boulevard! Typically, clients request 4-6 sessions.

• The sessions are upbeat and fun! Past history gets cleared right away and we move forward!
• We’re results oriented. We start with the lay of the land. What does everyone involved think or feel about the situation? Then, we set goals. These are strategic sessions in which I listen, we share, I will give you suggestions and ideas, and you leave each session with a forward moving plan.
• We develop your own private, unique strategic plan for you to implement, in small step by step increments.
• You learn how to play, relax, get your needs met, and meet your partner’s needs in ways you never considered. In Dating Strategic Consulting, you learn to de-stress the dating process, identify what you want, how to get it, how to approach bedroom sex in dating, and have a great time!

Speaking of relationships, I found a wonderful series of articles that echo my relationship style. Check them out here.

Let me know what you think! Please leave comments here.

Last weekend, I attended my #??? Ferndale, Michigan, High School class reunion. (You didn’t really think I was going to reveal the number of years, did you?). Suffice it to say it was before the Apple 2C. In any case, every time this invitation arrives, I think of all the insecure thoughts we all think before a reunion: I don’t know anyone anymore. What if ____ is there? (fill in blank with one of following: old boy/girlfriend …  that girl/boy who said those evil “put downs” to me in chemistry class … that clique of hip, slick, and cool girls). It’s high school fears all over again. Because, of course, that’s where we left those people. And if you live a long way from your home town, as I do in San Francisco, there’s the additional “I have nothing in common with them anymore, and most of them never moved away.”

Then, you go. Something deep inside makes you do it. On the way, you stop at White Castle with an old  friend, and you get the same heartburn that you always did. Hmmm. Something very odd is happening. That characteristic smell and the disgusting aftertaste of those sliders are somehow very comforting. It’s the taste and smell of your childhood. White Castle – and you’re home again.

On the way down to the hotel ballroom, you’re actually nervous. Then, it all goes away. The greeters are thrilled to see you. Hugs all around. You’re lit up with smiles. You hear  “OMG, Kathy Forsythe!”,  and you turn to see someone you would swear you’ve never laid eyes on in your life. You look at his name tag and his high school picture, and you say, “OMG, Randy Finney!” All those people that you hope aren’t there? They aren’t. Maybe they were the insecure ones in the end. And if they are there, you will be amazed how they have changed in 40+ years! (I’m just sayin’…).

You learn that joy and tragedy plays no favorites. Sure, some have had it better than others. Some personalities have changed, some not. There are still dorks (no names here!), a few are still funny, there are still the studious ones, some are still happy, and some are still sad. All of us are older, and all of us have been sobered by life. Some have lost spouses. Several had lost children. Some went bankrupt (several times). One guy is an undertaker (mortician? What’s the pc title, here?). He’s still the funniest person I have ever met. I asked about business, and he said, “Not bad. I had one today  before the reunion, and I got two more cookin’ for tomorrow.”  Completing the picture, there was the promkingnowdoctor who arrived in his Armani suit with 33 year old eye candy on his arm, of course. He kept his hand on her butt all evening long.

Our histories are very much a part of who we are. At my women’s event, Sex on the Porch, we talk about our sexuality in terms of how our life wisdom dictates how we act today as a man or as a woman. What I learned at Ferndale High School about being sexual gave me – and all of us – the foundation upon which we moved forward expressing ourselves uniquely as men and women throughout our lives. Were we wounded or abused?Was our first sexual experience wonderful or scary and painful? If we attended church, synagogue, or mosque what dictums were handed to us to guide us – or to turn away from? Our life wisdom all started ‘way back then. How much do we carry today that still influences our thinking?

At midlife, there’s a tsunami of change. One thing remains constant, and that’s the people who touched our lives ‘way back then. It’s good to go back and touch your roots.

Btw, who sang it originally? Gary U.S. Bonds. What’s the name of the record? “Quarter to Three” Who did the remake? Bruce Springsteen. Click here to get all the original lyrics – and have your own class reunion.

I would love to hear thoughts! Share here.

I don’t remember her name, but her posture said it all: this is ridiculous. Remember the Emperor’s New Clothes? For me, she was that little kid who jumped out of the crowd and told everyone that the emperor had no clothes on. In this case, her whole persona was shouting: Look at all you normally rational, kind, seasoned, sophisticated men and women. You are acting like fools and pretending this is not only normal, but fun. Are you nuts?

I’m talking about the Midlife Meat Market, also known as Singles Mixer for the Mature Crowd. Yesterday, I decided to test the waters – to experience what my clients (and I) are facing in the current offerings of singles events for the seasoned crowd in the Bay Area.

My take: Junior high cotillion all over again.

It doesn’t have to be this way. We don’t have to pretend that we are having the time of our lives when we are actually feeling as insecure as pimply faced teenagers. We don’t have to play polarizing games that allow no latitude for getting to know each other. We can redefine this mixer business in a way that honors who we are at this time in our lives, lends some dignity to the situation, and provides entertainment and introduction to new friends at the same time.

I say scrap the whole notion of come-here-to-find-love. One of the exercises yesterday involved asking anyone in the crowd if they had found love recently. Several shout-outs revealed yes, definitely – and they had stumbled on it HERE (surprise, shock) at this very mixer. Plants in the audience? Yes, perhaps. But c’mon. Seriously? Give us a little credit for life wisdom. At our age, we know it doesn’t happen with a beer, braggadocio, and plumped up plumage. At the bars when 25, perhaps, but not now.

Let’s revisit what this is about and reset the expectations. Egads! I say this over and over to my clients, concerning intimacy. The same thing applies here: It’s about pleasure not performance. Here’s an article I wrote about dating at our age. Check it out.  It’s about finding friendship and having an enjoyable evening. We’re not competing in a cake walk here, where someone will leave with the big prize. We’re seasoned adults, and this is a chance to meet new people, not find the lay of your life or your soul mate in 90 minutes. As an intimacy expert for this age group, I was mortified when the “host” presented this finale exercise “game”. He said, “Here’s the reason we’re here:  the ultimate question to define – the real reason we are all dating. Everyone who is looking for marriage go to this side of the room. If you are looking for a one night stand, go to this side.” Really? Give me a break. Not with this group.

Stop this pressure to perform like 25 year olds. As a close female friend suggested, there are lots of wonderful people to meet at these events – both male and female. Let’s just enjoy one another, and if a boy-girl thing happens, ok, nice. If not, there are friends to be made on both sides of the aisle.

I think I’ll start my own event for seasoned, midlife plus, senior singles. With dignity. With a point. A chance to connect – and entertaining at the same time. We really need to rethink this whole concept and redesign it for our level of sophistication, fun, and life wisdom – so that no one has to stand in the corner with her nametag plastered to her forehead in protest.  I would love to hear your thoughts!  Share them here.

We were in Sonoma, California for the Sonoma Jazz Fest on our way to see John Fogerty, and treating ourselves to a delectable dinner at The Girl and The Fig. Most folks don’t order a burger at Girl and The Fig. It’s much more sophisticatedly creative than that. After all, this is Sonoma. Wine and cheese tasting is an art form here.

It didn’t matter. This was about pure pleasure. Extreme self pleasure* (ESP*) in fact. I was practicing my preaching from our Sex on the Porch events – testing this theory: as seasoned men and women, it’s time to invite extreme pleasure into your life at every opportunity. ESP does more to make your sexuality come alive than all the vitamins, anti-depressants, and therapy we can absorb. Treating yourself to the thing you love most tells yourself, “hey – I think you’re really cool. Let’s play and hang out together”. Note to self: guaranteed this is not what your boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse/sister/brother/child/therapist/doctor says is good for you.

A hamburger? Seriously? Wait – what about the calories? What about the nasty beef fat? What about how bad beef is for you? What about my clogged arteries? You’re talking about refined white flour in the roll? Besides, where are your vegetables? (I confess – I did order a salad with it – but that’s because I actually, really, honestly, love great vinaigrette. Even dipping bread in it, if I can.). But we digress, how about the french fries? – how do you rationalize them? OMG. Deep fried (bad) … potatoes (not good).

I could mention that you might not want to make a lifetime of eating amazingly juicy yummy hamburgers if you have a tendency for high cholesterol, or if you have had heart surgery, or if you are overweight, or if … (do I need to go on?), but I won’t. You already know that in spades. I’m here to tell you to break the rules.

ESP. Treat yourself every single day to what makes you happy, now! Not what should make you happy. Not what Oprah suggests. Not what AARP magazine says you need. Only you know what you need in your life. What makes you feel good? What makes you feel full of life every second? What makes you feel playful and fun? It’s about treating yourself the way you’d treat your most honored, favorite friend or lover – anyone who makes you come alive when you’re with them. Do that for yourself.

The lowly hamburger did it for me. Doesn’t have to be food, of course. Might be music.  (By the way, our dessert following the burger was John Fogerty’s concert. Phase two of the pleasure trip – Proud Mary, Bad Moon Arising. What a night!). Might be getting into nature. For a dear friend of mine, it’s birding. Then, of course, there is the old fashioned orgasmic experience. But that’s a discussion for another day…

I have a sign on my desk that says: What ESP are you going to do for yourself today? No hamburgers today, 2 days after the fest. Instead, I’m taking a nice long nap before my meeting tonight. Ah, ESP. What’s yours?  Click here to comment!

Then, just before they left the restaurant, he told her he was going scuba diving with an old college friend in Bermuda, leaving day after tomorrow. Male or female old college friend? Male (Good news). He (her date) would sure love to find a scuba diving woman. (Bad news. Sheila doesn’t scuba dive – she’s terrified of large bodies of water in which terra firma is covered with hundreds of leagues of liquid drowning fluid).

Let’s put a little cartoon bubble over each of their individual heads on the way home, after they said goodnight. Sheila, in her car by herself: What am I going to do? He is amazing, and I don’t scuba dive. When he finds out he will never ask me out again. I have to learn to scuba dive. OMG. I’m so scared of the ocean. I’ll throw up under water. Has anyone died learning to scuba dive? I wonder what he is thinking. Did I talk too much? Was he asking me if I was a scuba diver? Should I have told him? Maybe I should call him right now while it’s still fresh? … And here’s the bubble over her date’s head: That was fun. Better get home and pack.

True story. A classic example of the hardwiring difference between women and men. Ladies, we can relax. No way (or rarely) is he obsessing as we do. We’re hardwired to analyze, examine, and quadsect every situation. He has one (count it, one) neuropath for this event. He liked it or not. And he moves on, in his mind. Will he ask you out again? That’s not the issue at hand for him. Down the road, when it’s time, he will think about it. Not now. Men, back me up, here. We women can let go of the over-analyzing.

Ladies, go home and have a glass of wine and a piece of dark chocolate, instead. It’s much better for the heart and the soul, right now.

Celebrate your own body, and your lovers, too. Yummmm. For more details, and for suggestions on which wine to pair with your chocolate, see this month’s newsletter. In the meantime, here are the luscious basic rules for sensuous chocolate tasting:

The number one rule is, of course, have fun. Here’s your prep for an absolutely sensuous ritual:

1. Get 3 bars of really good, plain chocolate (Get one under 60% cocoa, one around 70%, one over 80%. No nuts or flavors added, room temperature. Plan to taste from lowest percentage to highest.
2. Set the stage. Keep in mind that you don’t have to be “in the mood” to taste chocolate. Like good sex, starting the process will get you there. Turn down the music, get soft light (you must be able to see each other – and the chocolate), find someplace intimate and cozy to sit next to each other. Wear comfortable clothes – or nothing at all. No cell phones.
3. Take your time. One of the joys after 50, 60, 70 is learning that It’s truly the journey, not the destination.

Now you’re ready to get started. Here’s a quick guide to chocolate tasting for lovers:

1. Be still. Give your partner a long, warm kiss.
2. Lay out the chocolate bars side by side. LOOK at them. The color should be glossy.
3. Break off a piece of each and LISTEN to the “snap.” The higher the cocoa content, the louder the snap
4. TOUCH it and rub it a bit. (the chocolate, not your partner … but that’s ok, too). Chocolate melts at 97 degrees (how convenient). You can lick it off each other if this gets messy…
5. Offer a piece to your partner to SMELL
6. Place a square in your own, and your partner’s mouth. Let it begin to melt. TASTE the flavors and FEEL the sensation on your tongue
7. Notice the Finish. Like good wine, the finish – or the lingering taste – counts. Do you want more? Go for it!
8. Pour yourself a glass of wine, and have your way with the rest of the chocolate!

At midlife plus, they get lost in the shuffle of kids leaving home, new jobs, lost jobs, retirement, caring for aging parents, caring for aging children, boredom, routine, and flat out exhaustion.  Check out this article in WebMD How to Get Your Sexy Back . Here’s 21 ways to rev it up and feel sexy again. The article is for women, but men can use the tips, too. Not all of them apply to us in the second half of life, but some of them are worth mentioning. Most important – start with yourself and you will lay the foundation for going further.

Look at you. What do you see? (C’mon. Be objective. No self loathing allowed.) Would you want to be intimate with you? I’m not talking about self-esteem – we’ll leave that one in the corner for now. I’m talking about your ‘tude and your appearance. Let’s start with what my Mama told me: fake it ‘til you make it. You gotta start someplace. There’s no place like home.

Don’t look at magazines. Don’t look at movies, the internet, or tv, to figure out what you need to do. You don’t need Oprah and you don’t need Men’s Health Magazine. You just need you.

Stop. Look. And Listen. Look at you. What’s the status of your undergarments? Be honest? Still wearing frumpy briefs? Try a thong. Ladies, get a sexy bra – at least one. You’ll be stunned at how sexy you feel. I have one client who doesn’t wear underwear from time to time. It’s his little secret, and he loves it that no one knows it but him. How’s your hair? Need a remake? Get one! What kind of lotion do you use after shower? Do you even use lotion? If you buy something that feels luxurious going on, you’ll wear more of it, and that old dry skin will perk up.

Get rid of the ugly old clothes. We forget how long we’ve had them! I found a picture of myself 15 years ago, and realized I had just worn the same outfit 2 days ago. When was the last time you donned that outfit? Look hard in the mirror – do you really appear the same way you did 15 years ago in that style? Get new stuff. No excuses. Resale shops abound in this economy, and everyone has sales. You’ll feel refreshed and attractive.

Watch something hot with your partner, or by yourself. Doesn’t have to be erotica. One classic that will light your fire is Body Heat with Kathleen Turner and William Hurt. Pop some popcorn, get a cold soda, and turn it on. Literally and Figuratively.

I walked past all those Victoria Secret windows on Union Square in San Francisco just now, and each one screamed out the words, WHAT’S SEXY? We’re obsessed with looking out there for the answer. There answer is in our brain. Decide you want to look and feel sexy and you will!

I came across this article that’s telling us that there is a spray to deaden nerves and slow down premature ejaculation in older men! Seriously? In all my years of working with men over 55, I think I’ve met a lot of men who would like to have that problem! About.com usually has great stuff from the longevity editor, Mark Stibich but this time he’s missed the mark. If I’m wrong here, help me out. I’m just sayin’… If any of you have “friends” who have this problem, would you let us know?

According to Mark, PE (premature ejaculation) is right up there with ED (erectile dysfunction). OK, we all know from ‘way back in the days of Bob Dole and the pencil, that ED can be a problem, though not nearly as big a problem as the drug industry would like us to think it is . But premature ejaculation? The fact is that as men age, sensitivity decreases. Perhaps since an enlarged prostrate can contribute to PE (also known as rapid ejaculation in our professional field) in younger men, Mark is thinking that older men will experience PE, since the prostate tends to enlarge in many men later if life? I think not.

Reality is that PE is generally has emotional causes. Fear of failure of performance is a big piece. In later life, we are working to take the emphasis off performance, and on to pleasure.

Getting an old fashioned rock hard erection may be nice, but it’s not necessary for pleasure. You can get pleasured in many ways, say most older women, and proving your manhood through your member’s (as described in many romance novels!) performance is just one of dozens of ways to pleasure.

Net-net for me is that this information in Mark’s article is just flat out wrong. Guys, let me know. Are you really looking for a spray to help you lose sensitivity late in life?

From our seats at midlife and beyond, it’s amusing to observe younger generations unearth ostensibly new profound observations about romance, relationships and intimacy. Tara Parker-Pope, health journalist and writer for The New York Times’ Well blog, uncovered such “duh” factors while researching her new book, “For Better: The Science of a Good Marriage.” Salon magazine has a great review. All that time and energy to scientifically prove what makes a good marriage. Seriously? When did matters of the heart become fodder for scientific study? She could have just asked any of us.

Basically, she found out that good marriages require working hard on being nice to each other, understanding, and patience. Well, duh. Yes, and how about regular intimacy and a sense of humor? Here’s what my clients say – both those that have great marriages, and those who ended in divorce. All of them that I asked, 50 to 100, say:

#1 is “let it go” and don’t go down to the mat except for the really big stuff.

#2 is keep your sense of humor.

#3 is, yes, you guessed it: stay sexually and intimately active – however you define it. Care enough to figure out how to inflate that flat tire of passion!

In case you don’t have time to read the entire Salon article, here’s a quote that sums it up:

As “For Better” points out, researchers found that couples in lasting marriages have at least five small positive interactions (touching, smiling, paying a compliment) for every negative one (sneering, eye rolling, withdrawal). When the ratio drops, the risk of divorce increases. Snoring and other sleep problems can contribute enormously to marital unhappiness. How you treat your partner during the first three minutes of a fight determines whether the argument will be good or bad for your marriage — launching a volley of personal criticisms is worse than opening up a discussion with a complaint. It’s these small but recognizable actions, claims Parker-Pope, that distinguish a marriage bound for splitsville from couples who stay together.

Really? No kidding? Who knew? I never would have guessed…

Duh!