Right out of the chute, let’s get this straight: Deciding to work on this area of your life is very brave and courageous. It takes a person (or partners) of character to ask for help and suggestions in this arena of intimacy and sexuality, the most sensitive arena of our lives.  I always commend my clients for taking the first step – picking up the phone and calling. From that point on, it’s a team effort and the pressure is off of you to do it all alone. We work on this together.

Together, we’ll make sex and sexuality more physically, emotionally, and spiritually satisfying.  Partners and singles come to intimacy consulting to enhance marriages, relationships, dating, body image, physical sexual concerns, and overcome roadblocks from earlier years.

My philosophy is that vibrant sexuality at midlife and beyond is the secret to staying vital, attractive, and energized. It’s much bigger than bedroom sex – and inevitably more beautiful. Sex is what happens in the bedroom. Sexuality is what you show to the world as a seasoned woman or man. In my Intimacy Consulting, we ask the umbrella question: how do you want to express your unique sexuality – who you are as a man or a woman, and as partners – to the world, as well as in the bedroom? At midlife and beyond, we bring so much to the table with a lifetime of knowledge, opinion, and experience. We’re not done with our sexuality – in fact we’re just getting started!

So, what do we DO? I do what I call STRATEGIC CONSULTING. My goal is to get you on your way and smiling in as few sessions as possible, so that you can enjoy your re-defined sexuality – in the bedroom and on the boulevard! Typically, clients request 4-6 sessions.

• The sessions are upbeat and fun! Past history gets cleared right away and we move forward!
• We’re results oriented. We start with the lay of the land. What does everyone involved think or feel about the situation? Then, we set goals. These are strategic sessions in which I listen, we share, I will give you suggestions and ideas, and you leave each session with a forward moving plan.
• We develop your own private, unique strategic plan for you to implement, in small step by step increments.
• You learn how to play, relax, get your needs met, and meet your partner’s needs in ways you never considered. In Dating Strategic Consulting, you learn to de-stress the dating process, identify what you want, how to get it, how to approach bedroom sex in dating, and have a great time!

Speaking of relationships, I found a wonderful series of articles that echo my relationship style. Check them out here.

Let me know what you think! Please leave comments here.

Last weekend, I attended my #??? Ferndale, Michigan, High School class reunion. (You didn’t really think I was going to reveal the number of years, did you?). Suffice it to say it was before the Apple 2C. In any case, every time this invitation arrives, I think of all the insecure thoughts we all think before a reunion: I don’t know anyone anymore. What if ____ is there? (fill in blank with one of following: old boy/girlfriend …  that girl/boy who said those evil “put downs” to me in chemistry class … that clique of hip, slick, and cool girls). It’s high school fears all over again. Because, of course, that’s where we left those people. And if you live a long way from your home town, as I do in San Francisco, there’s the additional “I have nothing in common with them anymore, and most of them never moved away.”

Then, you go. Something deep inside makes you do it. On the way, you stop at White Castle with an old  friend, and you get the same heartburn that you always did. Hmmm. Something very odd is happening. That characteristic smell and the disgusting aftertaste of those sliders are somehow very comforting. It’s the taste and smell of your childhood. White Castle – and you’re home again.

On the way down to the hotel ballroom, you’re actually nervous. Then, it all goes away. The greeters are thrilled to see you. Hugs all around. You’re lit up with smiles. You hear  “OMG, Kathy Forsythe!”,  and you turn to see someone you would swear you’ve never laid eyes on in your life. You look at his name tag and his high school picture, and you say, “OMG, Randy Finney!” All those people that you hope aren’t there? They aren’t. Maybe they were the insecure ones in the end. And if they are there, you will be amazed how they have changed in 40+ years! (I’m just sayin’…).

You learn that joy and tragedy plays no favorites. Sure, some have had it better than others. Some personalities have changed, some not. There are still dorks (no names here!), a few are still funny, there are still the studious ones, some are still happy, and some are still sad. All of us are older, and all of us have been sobered by life. Some have lost spouses. Several had lost children. Some went bankrupt (several times). One guy is an undertaker (mortician? What’s the pc title, here?). He’s still the funniest person I have ever met. I asked about business, and he said, “Not bad. I had one today  before the reunion, and I got two more cookin’ for tomorrow.”  Completing the picture, there was the promkingnowdoctor who arrived in his Armani suit with 33 year old eye candy on his arm, of course. He kept his hand on her butt all evening long.

Our histories are very much a part of who we are. At my women’s event, Sex on the Porch, we talk about our sexuality in terms of how our life wisdom dictates how we act today as a man or as a woman. What I learned at Ferndale High School about being sexual gave me – and all of us – the foundation upon which we moved forward expressing ourselves uniquely as men and women throughout our lives. Were we wounded or abused?Was our first sexual experience wonderful or scary and painful? If we attended church, synagogue, or mosque what dictums were handed to us to guide us – or to turn away from? Our life wisdom all started ‘way back then. How much do we carry today that still influences our thinking?

At midlife, there’s a tsunami of change. One thing remains constant, and that’s the people who touched our lives ‘way back then. It’s good to go back and touch your roots.

Btw, who sang it originally? Gary U.S. Bonds. What’s the name of the record? “Quarter to Three” Who did the remake? Bruce Springsteen. Click here to get all the original lyrics – and have your own class reunion.

I would love to hear thoughts! Share here.

I don’t remember her name, but her posture said it all: this is ridiculous. Remember the Emperor’s New Clothes? For me, she was that little kid who jumped out of the crowd and told everyone that the emperor had no clothes on. In this case, her whole persona was shouting: Look at all you normally rational, kind, seasoned, sophisticated men and women. You are acting like fools and pretending this is not only normal, but fun. Are you nuts?

I’m talking about the Midlife Meat Market, also known as Singles Mixer for the Mature Crowd. Yesterday, I decided to test the waters – to experience what my clients (and I) are facing in the current offerings of singles events for the seasoned crowd in the Bay Area.

My take: Junior high cotillion all over again.

It doesn’t have to be this way. We don’t have to pretend that we are having the time of our lives when we are actually feeling as insecure as pimply faced teenagers. We don’t have to play polarizing games that allow no latitude for getting to know each other. We can redefine this mixer business in a way that honors who we are at this time in our lives, lends some dignity to the situation, and provides entertainment and introduction to new friends at the same time.

I say scrap the whole notion of come-here-to-find-love. One of the exercises yesterday involved asking anyone in the crowd if they had found love recently. Several shout-outs revealed yes, definitely – and they had stumbled on it HERE (surprise, shock) at this very mixer. Plants in the audience? Yes, perhaps. But c’mon. Seriously? Give us a little credit for life wisdom. At our age, we know it doesn’t happen with a beer, braggadocio, and plumped up plumage. At the bars when 25, perhaps, but not now.

Let’s revisit what this is about and reset the expectations. Egads! I say this over and over to my clients, concerning intimacy. The same thing applies here: It’s about pleasure not performance. Here’s an article I wrote about dating at our age. Check it out.  It’s about finding friendship and having an enjoyable evening. We’re not competing in a cake walk here, where someone will leave with the big prize. We’re seasoned adults, and this is a chance to meet new people, not find the lay of your life or your soul mate in 90 minutes. As an intimacy expert for this age group, I was mortified when the “host” presented this finale exercise “game”. He said, “Here’s the reason we’re here:  the ultimate question to define – the real reason we are all dating. Everyone who is looking for marriage go to this side of the room. If you are looking for a one night stand, go to this side.” Really? Give me a break. Not with this group.

Stop this pressure to perform like 25 year olds. As a close female friend suggested, there are lots of wonderful people to meet at these events – both male and female. Let’s just enjoy one another, and if a boy-girl thing happens, ok, nice. If not, there are friends to be made on both sides of the aisle.

I think I’ll start my own event for seasoned, midlife plus, senior singles. With dignity. With a point. A chance to connect – and entertaining at the same time. We really need to rethink this whole concept and redesign it for our level of sophistication, fun, and life wisdom – so that no one has to stand in the corner with her nametag plastered to her forehead in protest.  I would love to hear your thoughts!  Share them here.

“Do you like to watch adult movies?” was the question from the new online suitor. Later, in the same email, he asked her what the most sensitive part of her body was. This was their second email exchange, and these two queries were part of a long series of otherwise vanilla questions they had asked each other.  When she wrote back that she was not ready to chat about her preference concerning adult movies, he retorted that he was sorry if he offended her, but “that is a cop out”. (We’re still not sure what he meant). To the sensitivity response, he simply said, “Boooo”. Her question to me, as her coach: “Is he insensitive, immature, just being a guy, harmless, or horny (looking for sex online)? Actually, aside from those questions, he seems like a really fun, cool, guy. Do you think I should continue with him?”

There you have it, ladies and gentlemen! The classic differences in hardwiring. Women ache for warm loving relationships with the hope for good sex. Men yearn for good sex with the perk of a warm relationship. That’s overstated and stereotypic, of course, but then, online dating is nothing if not overstated  and stereotypic.

So what’s happening in this interchange above? At Sex on the Porch, our discussion frequently turns to “what are men in our age group looking for?” when we talk about online dating.

My reaction to my client’s uncertainty, above, is this: It’s not about him, it’s about you.

Ladies: here’s the essence of online dating: know what you want, and want what you know – and listen to your gut. Own it! As women, we are programmed to please. When you add our propensity to want to build a relationship as quickly as possible when we find a good candidate, we sacrifice our carefully crafted list of pre-requisites for our prospective date. Not that flexibility isn’t important, but when your gut says no, listen to it.

In this case, I asked her if the porn and sensitivity questions offended her? Yes, they rubbed her the wrong way. I asked her if he responded to her hesitancy in answering in the way the man she really wants to meet would have responded. She said no – he would have apologized and back peddled to mend the discomfort.

My suggestion was this: if her intuition tells her that there is something amiss here, let it go. Next! If she feels that investigating further would help, insist on meeting him for coffee in person. Remember: this guy can be anyone or anything he wants to be online. Drop the pleasing thing. The only way to begin to know for sure that he is legit is to meet in person.

Since I am not hardwired to understand male thinking, I checked out my reasoning with a member of my mature man-panel of experts. This gentleman is a carefully selected mature male, 67, single, divorced, veteran of traditional dating, chat rooms, online sex trysts, online dating. He’s also a life coach, and well educated in human sexuality, intimacy, and relationships.

Here’s his take: He agreed with me, and he added this wisdom.  Any man at this age who goes right to sex questions in the second email conversation wants to get into an explicit sexual discussion quickly, and is looking for a woman who wants to do the same. Even men who are “horny as heck”, and want sex to be a big part of the connection, will pull back and “manage their horniness” (I love that concept), if they are also seeking a genuine relationship, as well.

In defense of men, he commented that many men have been frightened away from relationships by women who confront them with long term intentions after the 2^nd or 3^rd date. These men hide behind sex-only encounters, and screen for women who won’t ask them to commit immediately, or at all.

He affirmed this: men at midlife and beyond can and should be held to a standard of being a well mannered adult about their hardwiring and sex. There is no reason a “good guy” can’t manage his horniness. The only reason he wouldn’t is if he is looking for a quick bedding down. If that’s what the woman wants, you’ve got a match. Otherwise, tell him sayonara.  What do you think? Share your thoughts here.

Then, just before they left the restaurant, he told her he was going scuba diving with an old college friend in Bermuda, leaving day after tomorrow. Male or female old college friend? Male (Good news). He (her date) would sure love to find a scuba diving woman. (Bad news. Sheila doesn’t scuba dive – she’s terrified of large bodies of water in which terra firma is covered with hundreds of leagues of liquid drowning fluid).

Let’s put a little cartoon bubble over each of their individual heads on the way home, after they said goodnight. Sheila, in her car by herself: What am I going to do? He is amazing, and I don’t scuba dive. When he finds out he will never ask me out again. I have to learn to scuba dive. OMG. I’m so scared of the ocean. I’ll throw up under water. Has anyone died learning to scuba dive? I wonder what he is thinking. Did I talk too much? Was he asking me if I was a scuba diver? Should I have told him? Maybe I should call him right now while it’s still fresh? … And here’s the bubble over her date’s head: That was fun. Better get home and pack.

True story. A classic example of the hardwiring difference between women and men. Ladies, we can relax. No way (or rarely) is he obsessing as we do. We’re hardwired to analyze, examine, and quadsect every situation. He has one (count it, one) neuropath for this event. He liked it or not. And he moves on, in his mind. Will he ask you out again? That’s not the issue at hand for him. Down the road, when it’s time, he will think about it. Not now. Men, back me up, here. We women can let go of the over-analyzing.

Ladies, go home and have a glass of wine and a piece of dark chocolate, instead. It’s much better for the heart and the soul, right now.

Hey, world! We’re changin’ it up in the world of aging! Set in the classic of retirement settings, Sun City outside Phoenix, we watch  Jack, Sandy, Ann and friends, as they date, flirt, face later life issues, and generally live the healthy later life. These folks have the personalities that make up the Silver Sexual Revolution that I talked about in my article for Active Over 50 Magazine.  “The new silver sexual revolution is alive and well in many of the hip, forward thinking retirement communities across the nation. Make no mistake. Many of these folks are assertively choosing to be sexually active, intimate, and romantic.”

Breaking stereotypes? Of course we are! It’s what we have always done. So, don’t be so surprised.

TV is finally paying attention and catching the wave. Tune in Wednesdays 10 PM / 9 C on WE TV.  Watch and let me know what you think.

Your first date with him. He washed his car before he picked you up. He chose just the right restaurant because he knew that you adored Thai. The dinner repartee was clever, rich and intense. The goodnight kiss was warm, and luscious. You floated into your house after he said good night. You knew it: this one is a keeper, Mr. Wonderful.

Then, the phone doesn’t ring and there is no email. What gives? You begin to obsess. Maybe I promised to call him? What if I just shoot him a quick text? I will email him with the names of those CDs we talked about. Does he have another woman? And the big one: Was I too fat/skinny/flat-chested/big butted/tall/short/pick-a-fault!?

Understand this about men: men tend to think in boxes with events neatly compartmentalized, separately. Men, am I on the mark, here? We women are the opposite. We think in one long flowing interconnected line. That means that we build on events – one leads to the next, and so forth. That doesn’t happen in the typical male mind. Each date is a session unto itself. After the first date, the closest most guys get to actually thinking, “This one is a keeper” is this: “I had a good time. I could see her again.” Yes, men get smitten, too – but their hardwiring doesn’t allow them to frantically build the love of their life scenario after the first date, as our hardwiring does.

What’s the point? If you want to date healthy men, get ready for what appears to be “lack of commitment” (unless he is eagerly looking for a nurse or a purse, which you definitely don’t want!). It takes men at least five “sessions” (i.e. dates) before the light dawns: Wow. I really like this woman. I think I might like to spend more time with her. Translation of what this guy is thinking for women: This might be the beginning of a real relationship. What a concept – we women arrived at that conclusion after the first date!

Don’t take it personally, and don’t call him right away or ever. We liberated women don’t like this next bit of advice: Let him come to you. Yes, it still bears out in the long run. If you felt good energy, chances are that he did, too, and he will call again – maybe right away, but not always. My male clients who claim to have difficulties finding the right woman tell me this: often they are highly attracted to a woman – and call her maybe once a month. I always ask: How can she possibly know that you like her that much if you don’t call her? Inevitably, a puzzled look comes across their face. The usual answer is I don’t know.

In the end, each of us has to decide as a woman what characteristics we are willing to tolerate in our dates. If you are faced with a man who declares his fondness for you, but rarely calls, it’s up to you to decide if he is right for you. If you decide to wait it out, my advice is to remember what your mother told you in high school. There are plenty of other fish in the sea. Keep fishing! The time you spend with other men, or simply looking for other men, will pass quickly. Before you know it, the phone will ring from Mr. Wonderful. If it doesn’t, you haven’t lost anything. Instead, you are on your way to finding Mr. Wonderful #2, and you can easily address Mr. Wonderful #1 with my favorite word in dating, Next!

Then, the phone doesn’t ring. For days. No email. No text message. What gives? You begin to obsess. Did I drop the ball? Maybe I promised to call him? What if I just shoot him a quick text? I will email him with the names of those CDs we talked about. Does he have another woman? And the big one: Was I too fat/skinny/flat-chested/big butted/tall/short/pick-a-fault!?Understand this about men: they think in boxes with events neatly compartmentalized, separately. We women think in one long flowing interconnected line. That means that we build on events – one leads to the next, and so forth. That doesn’t happen in the typical male mind. Each date is a session unto itself. After the first date, the closest most guys get to actually thinking, “This one is a keeper” is this: “I had a good time. I could see her again.” Yes, men get smitten, too – but their hardwiring doesn’t allow them to frantically build the love of their life scenario after the first date, as our hardwiring does.What’s the point? If you want to date healthy men, get ready for what appears to be “lack of commitment” (unless he is eagerly looking for a nurse or a purse, which you definitely don’t want!). It takes men at least five “sessions” (i.e. dates) before the light dawns: Wow. I really like this woman. I think I might like to spend more time with her. Translation of what this guy is thinking for women: This might be the beginning of a real relationship. What a concept – we women arrived at that conclusion after the first date!Don’t take it personally, and don’t call him right away or ever. We liberated women don’t like this next bit of advice: Let him come to you. Yes, it still bears out in the long run. If you felt good energy, chances are that he did, too, and he will call again – maybe right away, but not always. My male clients who claim to have difficulties finding the right woman tell me this: often they are highly attracted to a woman – and call her maybe once a month. I always ask: How can she possibly know that you like her that much if you don’t call her? Inevitably, a puzzled look comes across their face. The usual answer is I don’t know.In the end, each of us has to decide as a woman what characteristics we are willing to tolerate in our dates. If you are faced with a man who declares his fondness for you, but rarely calls, it’s up to you to decide if he is right for you. If you decide to wait it out, my advice is to remember what your mother told you in high school. There are plenty of other fish in the sea. Keep fishing! The time you spend with other men, or simply looking for other men, will pass quickly. Before you know it, the phone will ring from Mr. Wonderful. If it doesn’t, you haven’t lost anything. Instead, you are on your way to finding Mr. Wonderful #2, and you can easily address Mr. Wonderful #1 with my favorite word in dating, Next!