You meet at Peet’s after a long search on match.com. Finally, after emails, and phone calls, it’s time to meet in person. After pleasantries, he dives into a verbal castigation of his last partner. Boring, but manageable. He looks you in the eye, and commences telling you about what really bothered him. It was her fear of oral sex – especially since it’s what he craves. You’re embarrassed, but you allow him to continue. Meanwhile, you are entering The Squirm Zone. Stop the presses. TMI!
TMI. Too much information. In the information age, speed dating, internet hook-ups for midlife and beyond, and fledgling relationships, it happens.
I prefer the term Oversharing. (Webster’s New World Dictionary): ‘”to divulge excessive personal information, as in a blog or broadcast interview [or dating], prompting reactions ranging from alarmed discomfort to approval.” Emily Gould writes a fascinating article about how it affected her career (“Exposed”, New York Times Magazine). It waves a red flag to all of us: get a grip – oversharing can bring you down.
What makes a person divulge deeply personal data ‘way too early, or ever, in dating? What makes us sit through it, and even encourage it – while we are embarrassed or even repulsed by it? What makes us turn around and do the very same thing – provide enthralling aspects of our personal life – to someone else, in a different situation, perhaps even repeating a ghastly tale heard earlier in the day?
I think the sexes overshare for very specific reasons, with just a few overlaps. When men are oversharing, I think they are puffing out their chests to impress. I think men want their partners to believe how manly they are. How sexual they are. How worldly they are. In whatever context they are living, men want to kill the biggest elephant, and let you know they did it – whether last year or 30 years ago.
When women overshare, I believe we are trying to hook our partners (or our friends) with personal disclosures that will insure that we are bonded closer. Sort of an “I’ll show you mine, and you show me yours”. Now, we are closer, much like a blood sisters’ ritual when young girls prick skin, share blood, and reveal secrets.
I also think we overshare when we are nervous. Perhaps we overshare to test the waters, too soon.
What makes us listen to intensely personal or embarrassing information, sometimes even encouraging it? Again, I think the gender difference matters. My guess is that men continue to listen so that they can fix it for you, when you are finished with your story. I think women listen to please, in hopes that their partner will like them better.
It’s probable that we listen to unnecessary, discomforting dribble because we were taught to not interrupt, to be polite. And, when we are embarrassed, we are too shy to say so.
What’s the damage? You tell me. How about: Dirt they can hold over you?; Feeling ridiculous afterwards?; Too many people know too much about you? Maybe you simply think, “Note to self: Next!”
The lesson? Zip it about the really personal stuff until, what, the 3rd or 4th date? Maybe the general rule of no sex until the 3rd date applies to this, too. No one needs to know about your infertility treatments, your pet’s last writhing days with cancer, your love of being tied up in sex, or your abuse relationships – at least not for awhile.
What do you think? When is it appropriate to overshare? What nightmares have you experienced with this? What happened as a result? Why do we do it? How do you stop it? Maybe working together we can figure out how to tame our tongues.
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