At midlife plus, they get lost in the shuffle of kids leaving home, new jobs, lost jobs, retirement, caring for aging parents, caring for aging children, boredom, routine, and flat out exhaustion.  Check out this article in WebMD How to Get Your Sexy Back . Here’s 21 ways to rev it up and feel sexy again. The article is for women, but men can use the tips, too. Not all of them apply to us in the second half of life, but some of them are worth mentioning. Most important – start with yourself and you will lay the foundation for going further.

Look at you. What do you see? (C’mon. Be objective. No self loathing allowed.) Would you want to be intimate with you? I’m not talking about self-esteem – we’ll leave that one in the corner for now. I’m talking about your ‘tude and your appearance. Let’s start with what my Mama told me: fake it ‘til you make it. You gotta start someplace. There’s no place like home.

Don’t look at magazines. Don’t look at movies, the internet, or tv, to figure out what you need to do. You don’t need Oprah and you don’t need Men’s Health Magazine. You just need you.

Stop. Look. And Listen. Look at you. What’s the status of your undergarments? Be honest? Still wearing frumpy briefs? Try a thong. Ladies, get a sexy bra – at least one. You’ll be stunned at how sexy you feel. I have one client who doesn’t wear underwear from time to time. It’s his little secret, and he loves it that no one knows it but him. How’s your hair? Need a remake? Get one! What kind of lotion do you use after shower? Do you even use lotion? If you buy something that feels luxurious going on, you’ll wear more of it, and that old dry skin will perk up.

Get rid of the ugly old clothes. We forget how long we’ve had them! I found a picture of myself 15 years ago, and realized I had just worn the same outfit 2 days ago. When was the last time you donned that outfit? Look hard in the mirror – do you really appear the same way you did 15 years ago in that style? Get new stuff. No excuses. Resale shops abound in this economy, and everyone has sales. You’ll feel refreshed and attractive.

Watch something hot with your partner, or by yourself. Doesn’t have to be erotica. One classic that will light your fire is Body Heat with Kathleen Turner and William Hurt. Pop some popcorn, get a cold soda, and turn it on. Literally and Figuratively.

I walked past all those Victoria Secret windows on Union Square in San Francisco just now, and each one screamed out the words, WHAT’S SEXY? We’re obsessed with looking out there for the answer. There answer is in our brain. Decide you want to look and feel sexy and you will!

My friend Joan intends to write a book called The Duh Factor… a tale of all those self help books that conclude, with great flourish and drama, in a big blinding flash of the obvious. A big, “well, Duh!”. We’ve all read them – the ones where we think why didn’t we write this, it’s so obvious!

From our seats at midlife and beyond, it’s amusing to observe younger generations unearth ostensibly new profound observations about romance, relationships and intimacy. Tara Parker-Pope, health journalist and writer for The New York Times’ Well  blog, uncovered such “duh” factors while researching her new book, “For Better: The Science of a Good Marriage.” Salon magazine has a great review. All that time and energy to scientifically prove what makes a good marriage. Seriously? When did matters of the heart become fodder for scientific study? She could have just asked any of us.

Basically, she found out that good marriages require working hard on being nice to each other, understanding, and patience. Well, duh. Yes, and how about regular intimacy and a sense of humor? Here’s what my clients say – both those that have great marriages, and those who ended in divorce. All of them that I asked, 50 to 100, say:

 #1 is “let it go” and don’t go down to the mat except for the really big stuff.

#2 is keep your sense of humor.

 #3 is, yes, you guessed it: stay sexually and intimately active – however you define it. Care enough to figure out how to inflate that flat tire of passion!

In case you don’t have time to read the entire Salon article, here’s a quote that sums it up:

As “For Better” points out, researchers found that couples in lasting marriages have at least five small positive interactions (touching, smiling, paying a compliment) for every negative one (sneering, eye rolling, withdrawal). When the ratio drops, the risk of divorce increases. Snoring and other sleep problems can contribute enormously to marital unhappiness. How you treat your partner during the first three minutes of a fight determines whether the argument will be good or bad for your marriage — launching a volley of personal criticisms is worse than opening up a discussion with a complaint. It’s these small but recognizable actions, claims Parker-Pope, that distinguish a marriage bound for splitsville from couples who stay together.

Really? No kidding? Who knew? I never would have guessed…

Duh!

Hey, world! We’re changin’ it up in the world of aging! Set in the classic of retirement settings, Sun City outside Phoenix, we watch  Jack, Sandy, Ann and friends, as they date, flirt, face later life issues, and generally live the healthy later life. These folks have the personalities that make up the Silver Sexual Revolution that I talked about in my article for Active Over 50 Magazine.  “The new silver sexual revolution is alive and well in many of the hip, forward thinking retirement communities across the nation. Make no mistake. Many of these folks are assertively choosing to be sexually active, intimate, and romantic.”

Breaking stereotypes? Of course we are! It’s what we have always done. So, don’t be so surprised.

TV is finally paying attention and catching the wave. Tune in Wednesdays 10 PM / 9 C on WE TV.  Watch and let me know what you think.

Maybe that’s why my friend Louise saved her husband’s soccer shirt, unwashed, after his untimely death. “It’s in a plastic bag”, she confessed. “I sniff it every day, and he’s right here with me.” Reader: Be careful of that yuk response. Apparently, her reaction makes a lot of sense.  I have always believed that a primal smell attracts us to a potential mate, arouses us, connects us, and at the risk of hyperbole, is how we become addicted to him/her.  Social psychology notwithstanding, I believe it’s the unconscious glue that binds us.

In WebMD online, I found a couple of experts that agree. Helen Fisher says that the “chemisty” between 2 people originates from the need to complete “chemical families”. Martie Haselton, PhD says we rate the body odors of potential partners without even knowing it. Yum. I pick you because you smell right. The bouquet of your body tells me you fill in the gaps where my hormones are lacking. I have lots of estrogen. You have testosterone. Or maybe its dopamine or serotonin. According to Dr. Haselton, it’s called histocompatibility.

The next time you’re with that special someone, or working to find him/her, put your nose in the equation.  Your woof-woof might have it right – just the right sniff may tell you more than any speed dating. Sharpen your snout. I’m just sayin’…

Your first date with him. He washed his car before he picked you up. He chose just the right restaurant because he knew that you adored Thai. The dinner repartee was clever, rich and intense.  The goodnight kiss was warm, and luscious. You floated into your house after he said good night. You knew it: this one is a keeper, Mr. Wonderful.

Then, the phone doesn’t ring and there is no email. What gives? You begin to obsess. Maybe I promised to call him? What if I just shoot him a quick text? I will email him with the names of those CDs we talked about. Does he have another woman? And the big one: Was I too fat/skinny/flat-chested/big butted/tall/short/pick-a-fault!?

Understand this about men: men tend to think in boxes with events neatly compartmentalized, separately. Men, am I on the mark, here? We women are the opposite. We think in one long flowing interconnected line. That means that we build on events – one leads to the next, and so forth. That doesn’t happen in the typical male mind. Each date is a session unto itself. After the first date, the closest most guys get to actually thinking, “This one is a keeper” is this: “I had a good time. I could see her again.” Yes, men get smitten, too – but their hardwiring doesn’t allow them to frantically build the love of their life scenario after the first date, as our hardwiring does.

What’s the point? If you want to date healthy men, get ready for what appears to be “lack of commitment” (unless he is eagerly looking for a nurse or a purse, which you definitely don’t want!). It takes men at least five “sessions” (i.e. dates) before the light dawns: Wow. I really like this woman. I think I might like to spend more time with her. Translation of what this guy is thinking for women: This might be the beginning of a real relationship. What a concept – we women arrived at that conclusion after the first date!

Don’t take it personally, and don’t call him right away or ever. We liberated women don’t like this next bit of advice: Let him come to you. Yes, it still bears out in the long run. If you felt good energy, chances are that he did, too, and he will call again – maybe right away, but not always. My male clients who claim to have difficulties finding the right woman tell me this: often they are highly attracted to a woman – and call her maybe once a month. I always ask: How can she possibly know that you like her that much if you don’t call her? Inevitably, a puzzled look comes across their face. The usual answer is I don’t know.

In the end, each of us has to decide as a woman what characteristics we are willing to tolerate in our dates. If you are faced with a man who declares his fondness for you, but rarely calls, it’s up to you to decide if he is right for you. If you decide to wait it out, my advice is to remember what your mother told you in high school. There are plenty of other fish in the sea. Keep fishing! The time you spend with other men, or simply looking for other men, will pass quickly. Before you know it, the phone will ring from Mr. Wonderful. If it doesn’t, you haven’t lost anything. Instead, you are on your way to finding Mr. Wonderful #2, and you can easily address Mr. Wonderful #1 with my favorite word in dating, Next!

I promised the attendees that I would publish the names of the sites that I have found to be the safest.  As always, be careful when meeting someone new. As my mother used to say, “Don’t put everything in the front window.”  Hold back on information (where you live, your phone number, personal information) until you have had at least 3 live dates.  Here are the sites I like best:

• SeniorFriendFinder.com
• SeniorMatch.com
• PrimeSingles.com
• SilverSingles.com
• DatingForSeniors.com
• SeniorDateFinder.com

Check back here frequently for updates. Good luck with it.  Don’t get discouraged. My dear friend dated 100 men before she found her true love!

Nonetheless, there are not a lot of options (if you know of any, let me know). I’m sure you men out there have your own set of aggravations.  In all fairness to the opposite sex, perhaps we all need to pay attention, here.

 Tomorrow, let’s make up some rules, OK?  How about some radical concepts like honesty, integrity, good manners, and reality checks?  Stay tuned. Let me know your thoughts. Contact me.

It’s all in the knowing, as they say. To get started, wrap your mind around this: You were born a sexual being – at birth you were determined to be a boy or a girl. You will die a sexual being. “Sexual” means celebrating who you are as a man or a woman, however you interpret it. It doesn’t have to include a partner. If you want a partner, you can find one, or enhance the one you have. Stay tuned and we’ll have lots of blogs coming up, on that subject.

In the meantime, ponder this:

What does it take to have a great sexual encounter?

Identify what you want out of it. It’s your body to enjoy. Own it!

Expect intimacy; think about pleasuring, not performing.

Be prepared. Carry condoms and lubricant.

Communicate; tell your partner what you like and don’t like .

Understand how very nervous men are at this age about performance and being judged.

Be aware of how very nervous women are at this age about body image.

Go in with your eyes wide open; forget those darned romance novels

Keep your sense of humor. Don’t take yourself so seriously. Be able to laugh in the bedroom.

This is not like the flight attendant asking us if we are capable of opening the emergency door during a water landing. That’s when we loosen our IPods just enough to say “Yeah, ok” and replug. This time, the threat is real for 2 big reasons:

1. We don’t think it’s going to happen to us because we’ve been good girls and boys, and we’ve only dated good girls and boys. We were cleanly in committed relationships when all this AIDS epidemic happened. Oops. Wrong. The big bad world is now on our front door step (or in our bed). Change your mindset and take a cue from the 20something world today. Always use a condom and get tested for HIV. Then, ask to see their test results.

2. We have no idea how to ask. Mama never taught us how to say, “Are you clean?”. Nor did the Nuns. Nor did the headmaster(mistress). Nor did our 8^th grade biology/sex ed teacher. Nor did our minister/priest/rabbi. Nor did our shop buddies or our home economics classmates. And on and on. Think of it this way: it’s better to be asking than explaining. Ask any of the millions of STI sufferers (not just HIV – gonorrhea (yep, still around), chlamydia, and a whole host of others.) If you don’t take 15 seconds to ask, you very well may spend the rest of your life explaining, and that’s not fun. Learn to ask. Say, “Are you clean of any STI’s?”. How long did that take?

 Need facts? Nationwide, an estimated 16% of new HIV/AIDS cases are among those age 50 and older and 25% of people living with HIV/AIDS are over 50, according to the CDC.

No time to be shy. This time, nice girls and boys really will finish last.

I live in San Francisco, home of all things related to sexuality. Except, it appears, this issue. When will they get it?: when it comes to breasts, and breast health, we are talking about the very essence of who we are, heart and soul, as women? We don’t want to be told to wait to find out if we have breast cancer.

My phone call to the “breast health center” yields, after a 10 minute wait, a scheduling rep barely able to speak English, who promises me an appointment on August 13. All booked until then. You have GOT to be kidding?! You want me to WAIT 16 days to see if I have breast cancer? And what about an interpretation of what they found? “Well, Ms. Forsythe, I really don’t know, but you should have received a letter from us explaining. You might want to check your mailbox.” Oh, please. HELLO! I received no letter, no explanation. Can you please connect me to a medical professional who can explain what my mammogram indicated? “Yes, Ms. Forsythe, I can take your number and have them call you back.” (They never did.)

I proceeded to push up the leadership ladder to get an appointment now, and find out what’s wrong. I want an appointment TODAY. This is my body, these are my breasts. I want to know NOW if I have breast cancer. Nothing else matters. I try to call the “higher ups” to get help. I get this: No living breathing people. Please leave a message for: 1. The Breast Health Center Manager (who, it turns out, is not in today and has no backup). 2. The customer service agent who promises to call me back within 24 hours (24 hours? THIS is customer service in a clinic whose sole purpose is about breast cancer?). 3. The chief Radiologist who reads these results, a senior sounding male, who also promises to call back (and never did … but what was I thinking … doctor as god does not have to call you back, of course.)  4. Before I call the Chief Nursing Administrator, I call the lowly scheduler again. This time, I get English as the first language. Please connect me to SOME medical professional who can help me. She connects me to “Sally” (name changed), nurse of some flavor. Sally hears my desperate plea to be seen NOW, so that I don’t go into clinical depression by August 13. She will call me back in one hour. Amazingly, she does. I’ll be seen tomorrow at 3PM. I exhale. I am exhausted.

Its an old, tired story and it doesn’t have to be that way. No, ladies, it doesn’t have to be like this. Listen to me: YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO FIND OUT WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU RIGHT NOW. This is YOUR body. Take control of it. Learn to be your own advocate. The health care system is so muddled up that there are vast gaping black holes. You can fall in, nobody cares, and in most cases, no one is going to reach in with a helping hand to pull you out. You must do it for yourself.

What if you took your car into the mechanic, and he/she said, “We’ve found something that could cause you to crash into a telephone pole and burn up at any time. Might be very dangerous. We just don’t know exactly what is wrong. By the way, we are not going to tell you what we suspicion is wrong. Just bring the car back in 17 days, and we’ll do more tests. Good luck in the meantime.” Would you stand for that? What would you do? If this car scenario doesn’t suit you, substitute your dog, your cat, even your child in the above scenario.

Of course, you wouldn’t put up with it for a minute! The same is true when it comes to your breast health care. Own it, ladies. Push for what you want. Don’t let the system dictate what you must do. Don’t let any degree or position intimidate you. Get the information and procedures you need, now, or go somewhere else.

Here’s hope: Can you imagine a system where there is a navigator, a person who takes your hand, is your advocate, and guides you through the maze of medical spider webs in breast health? What if, in this same system, they did not let you leave after your first screening mammogram if anything suspicious showed up? What if they kept you there, did the follow-up diagnostic tests on the spot? Then, if something needed to be aspirated or biopsied, it was done right then, with the advocate by your side?

Don’t ask me what I have been smoking! This system exists! Unfortunately for me, the one I found is in Georgia. Check it out: MCGHealth, the premier healthcare system of Georgia. Platinum customer service from medical professionals who know how to give it does exist. At MCGHealth, they don’t settle for less.

In the meantime, remember: this is YOUR body, the only one you have. These are YOUR breasts, the only ones you have. This is what makes you a woman, helps define your sexuality. Demand what you need. You are the customer. Don’t be intimidated. The life you save may be your own. Nobody else is going to do it for you.