Right out of the chute, let’s get this straight: Deciding to work on this area of your life is very brave and courageous. It takes a person (or partners) of character to ask for help and suggestions in this arena of intimacy and sexuality, the most sensitive arena of our lives.  I always commend my clients for taking the first step – picking up the phone and calling. From that point on, it’s a team effort and the pressure is off of you to do it all alone. We work on this together.

Together, we’ll make sex and sexuality more physically, emotionally, and spiritually satisfying.  Partners and singles come to intimacy consulting to enhance marriages, relationships, dating, body image, physical sexual concerns, and overcome roadblocks from earlier years.

My philosophy is that vibrant sexuality at midlife and beyond is the secret to staying vital, attractive, and energized. It’s much bigger than bedroom sex – and inevitably more beautiful. Sex is what happens in the bedroom. Sexuality is what you show to the world as a seasoned woman or man. In my Intimacy Consulting, we ask the umbrella question: how do you want to express your unique sexuality – who you are as a man or a woman, and as partners – to the world, as well as in the bedroom? At midlife and beyond, we bring so much to the table with a lifetime of knowledge, opinion, and experience. We’re not done with our sexuality – in fact we’re just getting started!

So, what do we DO? I do what I call STRATEGIC CONSULTING. My goal is to get you on your way and smiling in as few sessions as possible, so that you can enjoy your re-defined sexuality – in the bedroom and on the boulevard! Typically, clients request 4-6 sessions.

• The sessions are upbeat and fun! Past history gets cleared right away and we move forward!
• We’re results oriented. We start with the lay of the land. What does everyone involved think or feel about the situation? Then, we set goals. These are strategic sessions in which I listen, we share, I will give you suggestions and ideas, and you leave each session with a forward moving plan.
• We develop your own private, unique strategic plan for you to implement, in small step by step increments.
• You learn how to play, relax, get your needs met, and meet your partner’s needs in ways you never considered. In Dating Strategic Consulting, you learn to de-stress the dating process, identify what you want, how to get it, how to approach bedroom sex in dating, and have a great time!

Speaking of relationships, I found a wonderful series of articles that echo my relationship style. Check them out here.

Let me know what you think! Please leave comments here.

What a masterful way to deliver a critical message! In my new book, Sexperienced: Guide for the Seasoned Woman Seeking New Possibilities , I talk about our juicy seasoned sensuality – using all five senses to remind, reinforce, and redefine ourselves as the sexy women (and men!) that we are. We love to look – and that’s a good thing! Looking at hot younger men is not only desirable, it’s a boon to our mental and physical health.

Looking refreshes our sexuality, lifts our mood, starts the dopamine flowing (hormone of desire and romance), makes us stand up straight with erect posture (no kidding!) and own our sexuality, and revs up a primal drive that defines who we are as women (in this case straight women, but my Lesbian friends have appreciated this ad, as well, from the sheer creativity and awe of the human body – female or male.)

One more thing. To the seasoned sexy women reading this: At Sex on the Porch I hear from women over and over again that men our age are only interested in looking at younger women. Stop the presses! When men look at younger women, they are participating in the same eros life force that attracts women to the men in this advertisement. It’s a part of who we are as human beings. Our brain is our most potent sex organ. What we think, and allow ourselves to enjoy, is the key ingredient to vibrant sexuality. We’re all hard wired to look, appreciate, and delight in sexy specimens at any age. Men take a lot of heat for looking, and commenting. Yes, men tend to be less subtle, and express the enjoyment outwardly. Nonetheless, our sense of sight is powerful for both sexes. Looking doesn’t mean that a man or woman wants to sleep with the observed. It’s simply another way of experiencing our sensuality (this time with our eyes) and participating in that vital life force of our sexuality.

Enjoy this YouTube treat, all my seasoned friends – men and women! It’s simply hot. And fun.

By the way, it was given to me by my colleague Melanie Davis, Ph.D. (www.honestexchange.com ), sex educator extraordinaire, and fellow member at the Consortium on Sex and Aging at Widener University.

Kind of makes you want to get an IPhone for the monthly eye candy, doesn’t it? I’ll be interested in your comments.

I would love to hear thoughts. Click here to leave a comment.

Last weekend, I attended my #??? Ferndale, Michigan, High School class reunion. (You didn’t really think I was going to reveal the number of years, did you?). Suffice it to say it was before the Apple 2C. In any case, every time this invitation arrives, I think of all the insecure thoughts we all think before a reunion: I don’t know anyone anymore. What if ____ is there? (fill in blank with one of following: old boy/girlfriend …  that girl/boy who said those evil “put downs” to me in chemistry class … that clique of hip, slick, and cool girls). It’s high school fears all over again. Because, of course, that’s where we left those people. And if you live a long way from your home town, as I do in San Francisco, there’s the additional “I have nothing in common with them anymore, and most of them never moved away.”

Then, you go. Something deep inside makes you do it. On the way, you stop at White Castle with an old  friend, and you get the same heartburn that you always did. Hmmm. Something very odd is happening. That characteristic smell and the disgusting aftertaste of those sliders are somehow very comforting. It’s the taste and smell of your childhood. White Castle – and you’re home again.

On the way down to the hotel ballroom, you’re actually nervous. Then, it all goes away. The greeters are thrilled to see you. Hugs all around. You’re lit up with smiles. You hear  “OMG, Kathy Forsythe!”,  and you turn to see someone you would swear you’ve never laid eyes on in your life. You look at his name tag and his high school picture, and you say, “OMG, Randy Finney!” All those people that you hope aren’t there? They aren’t. Maybe they were the insecure ones in the end. And if they are there, you will be amazed how they have changed in 40+ years! (I’m just sayin’…).

You learn that joy and tragedy plays no favorites. Sure, some have had it better than others. Some personalities have changed, some not. There are still dorks (no names here!), a few are still funny, there are still the studious ones, some are still happy, and some are still sad. All of us are older, and all of us have been sobered by life. Some have lost spouses. Several had lost children. Some went bankrupt (several times). One guy is an undertaker (mortician? What’s the pc title, here?). He’s still the funniest person I have ever met. I asked about business, and he said, “Not bad. I had one today  before the reunion, and I got two more cookin’ for tomorrow.”  Completing the picture, there was the promkingnowdoctor who arrived in his Armani suit with 33 year old eye candy on his arm, of course. He kept his hand on her butt all evening long.

Our histories are very much a part of who we are. At my women’s event, Sex on the Porch, we talk about our sexuality in terms of how our life wisdom dictates how we act today as a man or as a woman. What I learned at Ferndale High School about being sexual gave me – and all of us – the foundation upon which we moved forward expressing ourselves uniquely as men and women throughout our lives. Were we wounded or abused?Was our first sexual experience wonderful or scary and painful? If we attended church, synagogue, or mosque what dictums were handed to us to guide us – or to turn away from? Our life wisdom all started ‘way back then. How much do we carry today that still influences our thinking?

At midlife, there’s a tsunami of change. One thing remains constant, and that’s the people who touched our lives ‘way back then. It’s good to go back and touch your roots.

Btw, who sang it originally? Gary U.S. Bonds. What’s the name of the record? “Quarter to Three” Who did the remake? Bruce Springsteen. Click here to get all the original lyrics – and have your own class reunion.

I would love to hear thoughts! Share here.

I was with my dear friend from childhood last week, when her cat of 18 years died. It’s part of the life cycle, I suppose. 18 years is a respectably  long gig for a cat. We all expect that we will outlive our pets. It’s part of what happens when they live 15 years, on average, and we live 80 and more. It’s going to happen. Nonetheless, it hurts.

What’s the hurt about, now, that makes it different than our younger years? Everything in our life is changing, and we’d like to click the “pause” button. Our bodies have “age gain”, and we’re running out of solutions for sagging bellies and dimpled thighs. There’s only so much exercising and plastic surgery one can do, after all! We are bombarded with messages that tell us the clock is ticking, that we aren’t 33 anymore.  In our intimate bedroom moments, many of us may not have the repertoire, let alone the partners, available as in the past – for a variety of reasons.  This is not to say that we can’t enjoy ourselves in the boudoir. We can! And we do! But it takes planning and redefining. (Read Kat’s article about great sex over 50 – click here).

All of this adds up to loss around our definition of who we are as men and women, our sexuality. As we discuss at my monthly Sex on the Porch™ events for women, we establish patterns and routines for getting our intimate needs met as women and men. Intimacy – the need to be close to another living creature – is frequently resolved by closeness to a pet when marriages are dry or when there is no partner, children, grandchildren, or community to help. There’s a distinctive, unique energy that passes between an animal and ourselves. When they die, the hole of unrequited energy flow is palpable. We have loved them for a long time. Our brain looks for that familiar love just as it would for any person. We ache without it. It becomes one more thing that requires redefinition and readjustment in a life where we seek consistency.

The sensuous impact of pet is not to be underestimated – and sensuality is a critical ingredient in our sexuality. The singular smell of an animal becomes an elixir that our brain literally becomes addicted to. The touch – the feel of the fur; the sounds – the purring and the little noises that make us smile; the sight – the bouncing on the bed early in the morning to be let out, walked, fed, or petted. All these are indelibly etched in our being. They comfort us. They calm us. We’ve come to expect them for the last 18 years. Without them, we are in withdrawal from a drug as powerful as any narcotic.

This is an 18 year relationship that we are talking about, here. That’s a long time. Yet, as seasoned men and women, we have some necessary losses. This is one of them.  Life goes on. We heal the wound just fine, eventually. In the meantime, it’s an ending we wish we could massage back to life.

Check out Judith Viorst’s book Necessary Losses. It’s the best I’ve seen on helping us understand the profound impact of loss.

Share your thoughts here.

I don’t remember her name, but her posture said it all: this is ridiculous. Remember the Emperor’s New Clothes? For me, she was that little kid who jumped out of the crowd and told everyone that the emperor had no clothes on. In this case, her whole persona was shouting: Look at all you normally rational, kind, seasoned, sophisticated men and women. You are acting like fools and pretending this is not only normal, but fun. Are you nuts?

I’m talking about the Midlife Meat Market, also known as Singles Mixer for the Mature Crowd. Yesterday, I decided to test the waters – to experience what my clients (and I) are facing in the current offerings of singles events for the seasoned crowd in the Bay Area.

My take: Junior high cotillion all over again.

It doesn’t have to be this way. We don’t have to pretend that we are having the time of our lives when we are actually feeling as insecure as pimply faced teenagers. We don’t have to play polarizing games that allow no latitude for getting to know each other. We can redefine this mixer business in a way that honors who we are at this time in our lives, lends some dignity to the situation, and provides entertainment and introduction to new friends at the same time.

I say scrap the whole notion of come-here-to-find-love. One of the exercises yesterday involved asking anyone in the crowd if they had found love recently. Several shout-outs revealed yes, definitely – and they had stumbled on it HERE (surprise, shock) at this very mixer. Plants in the audience? Yes, perhaps. But c’mon. Seriously? Give us a little credit for life wisdom. At our age, we know it doesn’t happen with a beer, braggadocio, and plumped up plumage. At the bars when 25, perhaps, but not now.

Let’s revisit what this is about and reset the expectations. Egads! I say this over and over to my clients, concerning intimacy. The same thing applies here: It’s about pleasure not performance. Here’s an article I wrote about dating at our age. Check it out.  It’s about finding friendship and having an enjoyable evening. We’re not competing in a cake walk here, where someone will leave with the big prize. We’re seasoned adults, and this is a chance to meet new people, not find the lay of your life or your soul mate in 90 minutes. As an intimacy expert for this age group, I was mortified when the “host” presented this finale exercise “game”. He said, “Here’s the reason we’re here:  the ultimate question to define – the real reason we are all dating. Everyone who is looking for marriage go to this side of the room. If you are looking for a one night stand, go to this side.” Really? Give me a break. Not with this group.

Stop this pressure to perform like 25 year olds. As a close female friend suggested, there are lots of wonderful people to meet at these events – both male and female. Let’s just enjoy one another, and if a boy-girl thing happens, ok, nice. If not, there are friends to be made on both sides of the aisle.

I think I’ll start my own event for seasoned, midlife plus, senior singles. With dignity. With a point. A chance to connect – and entertaining at the same time. We really need to rethink this whole concept and redesign it for our level of sophistication, fun, and life wisdom – so that no one has to stand in the corner with her nametag plastered to her forehead in protest.  I would love to hear your thoughts!  Share them here.

“Do you like to watch adult movies?” was the question from the new online suitor. Later, in the same email, he asked her what the most sensitive part of her body was. This was their second email exchange, and these two queries were part of a long series of otherwise vanilla questions they had asked each other.  When she wrote back that she was not ready to chat about her preference concerning adult movies, he retorted that he was sorry if he offended her, but “that is a cop out”. (We’re still not sure what he meant). To the sensitivity response, he simply said, “Boooo”. Her question to me, as her coach: “Is he insensitive, immature, just being a guy, harmless, or horny (looking for sex online)? Actually, aside from those questions, he seems like a really fun, cool, guy. Do you think I should continue with him?”

There you have it, ladies and gentlemen! The classic differences in hardwiring. Women ache for warm loving relationships with the hope for good sex. Men yearn for good sex with the perk of a warm relationship. That’s overstated and stereotypic, of course, but then, online dating is nothing if not overstated  and stereotypic.

So what’s happening in this interchange above? At Sex on the Porch, our discussion frequently turns to “what are men in our age group looking for?” when we talk about online dating.

My reaction to my client’s uncertainty, above, is this: It’s not about him, it’s about you.

Ladies: here’s the essence of online dating: know what you want, and want what you know – and listen to your gut. Own it! As women, we are programmed to please. When you add our propensity to want to build a relationship as quickly as possible when we find a good candidate, we sacrifice our carefully crafted list of pre-requisites for our prospective date. Not that flexibility isn’t important, but when your gut says no, listen to it.

In this case, I asked her if the porn and sensitivity questions offended her? Yes, they rubbed her the wrong way. I asked her if he responded to her hesitancy in answering in the way the man she really wants to meet would have responded. She said no – he would have apologized and back peddled to mend the discomfort.

My suggestion was this: if her intuition tells her that there is something amiss here, let it go. Next! If she feels that investigating further would help, insist on meeting him for coffee in person. Remember: this guy can be anyone or anything he wants to be online. Drop the pleasing thing. The only way to begin to know for sure that he is legit is to meet in person.

Since I am not hardwired to understand male thinking, I checked out my reasoning with a member of my mature man-panel of experts. This gentleman is a carefully selected mature male, 67, single, divorced, veteran of traditional dating, chat rooms, online sex trysts, online dating. He’s also a life coach, and well educated in human sexuality, intimacy, and relationships.

Here’s his take: He agreed with me, and he added this wisdom.  Any man at this age who goes right to sex questions in the second email conversation wants to get into an explicit sexual discussion quickly, and is looking for a woman who wants to do the same. Even men who are “horny as heck”, and want sex to be a big part of the connection, will pull back and “manage their horniness” (I love that concept), if they are also seeking a genuine relationship, as well.

In defense of men, he commented that many men have been frightened away from relationships by women who confront them with long term intentions after the 2^nd or 3^rd date. These men hide behind sex-only encounters, and screen for women who won’t ask them to commit immediately, or at all.

He affirmed this: men at midlife and beyond can and should be held to a standard of being a well mannered adult about their hardwiring and sex. There is no reason a “good guy” can’t manage his horniness. The only reason he wouldn’t is if he is looking for a quick bedding down. If that’s what the woman wants, you’ve got a match. Otherwise, tell him sayonara.  What do you think? Share your thoughts here.

• The anguish and angst around a baby born with a malfunctioning heart
• Filing for divorce after enduring a spouse’s 20 years of infidelity with your best friend only to discover he has skipped town with her and emptied all the bank accounts
• Transporting a drunken spouse to jail on your way to the office, again and again – and no one knows
• A house fire that decimates dreams as everything goes up in flames
• A mother sings Amazing Grace and prays during her daughter’s 6 hour experimental heart surgery
• The miracle of a surrogate to mother and carry your child because age prevents safe pregnancy
• A Down’s Syndrome child who beats the odds and lives happily at age 35

Themes for a new gut wrenching, heart breaking country western song? Hardly. This is real life, folks. I spent last weekend in Chicago with 7 of my college sorority girlfriends from 40 (FORTY!) years ago at the University of Michigan. What we relinquished in Ann Arbor, Michigan, those many years ago – youth, beauty, invulnerability, immortality, untested brash self confidence – has been reclaimed in the years since as deep life experience. Tragedies and joys have carved a sensitivity, compassion, wisdom, bonding and true joy in all of us more precious than any self-possessed 22 year old exploration, escapade, or exploit. When the education stopped, life began. Between then and now, each of us has known abundant joy, carved out by deep sorrow.

For all of us, it was a weekend of true intimacy – a close bonding with others who define us. A gift to energize and affirm. Roots. Scaffolding. Connectness. Validation. Bridges from then to now. Women who knew you when you came of age. When you lost your virginity. When your heart was broken. When your engagement was announced. When you stood on the table and drank 21 beers at your 21^st birthday party, and who took care of you afterwards.  Women who said of my divorce after 33 years, “We knew he was wrong, even then.”

At Sex on the Porch 2 weeks ago, we talked about how intimacy plays out uniquely for each of us as seasoned women. We talked about the “intimacy” wedge (one of 7 wedges)  on my Wheel of Sexuality for seasoned women – the umbrella over how we articulate our sexuality as women at midlife and beyond . Intimacy is the need to be close to another person. To trust. To confide. To share. To laugh about life’s miraculous joys and mind-blowing happiness. To cry. To ache together about life’s relentless pain.

Intimacy is a critical, life-force giving component to being a sexual, sexy, seasoned woman. It’s the glue that keeps us connected to others, reflects back to us who we are, and colors our capacity to have relationships – romantic and friendship. It’s not about sex, its about connectedness.  With someone. A lover, perhaps. An old friend. A new ally.  For women, as we move beyond menopause, much of our intimacy comes from other women, though many men report finding intimacy high on their need list as they pass the testosterone laden younger years. We all need comfortable closeness and association to live a mentally healthy life. Without a community that gives us connectedness to others, deep depression results – for both men and women.

I am blessed to have reunited with my “sisters” after all these years. It was living proof of what we had discussed at Sex on the Porch the week before. It’s energizing, redefining, and empowering to circle back to old friends and enjoy the mirror on our lives that only they can provide.

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In fact, amorous sexy folks over 55 are much more likely to get the more common STDs than HIV. So, readers, test away, and carry your results to your next date. No kidding! Just do it.

At my Sex on the Porch event, I hear single women over 50, 60, 70, even 80, talk about “bare naked sex” (i.e. no condom) – and the challenges of suggesting that a partner don a condom. These sophisticated seasoned women don’t want to ask (we were taught to be polite). Men don’t want to offer (afraid of losing sensation or insulting the woman). Ladies and Gentlemen, hear this loud and clear: We’re not immune from STDs!

Good news! CBS news in San Francisco is on board in spreading the word! Good work, KPIX! In a discussion with CBS News producer Molly McCrea, I discussed the big red flags about unprotected sex and the leading edge of boomers. The May 20 (11 PM News) interview on KPIX San Francisco on, exposed our dilemma: living longer, sexually active, and no education to understand the brave new world we are entering back into. Internet dating means we have no earthly idea who these men or women are, with whom we are about to be intimate. Even good friends-with-benefits (FWBs) may have wandered unwittingly, at some point, and may be carriers. It’s critical to demand clean proof, no matter how awkward it feels. The only way we can know we are safe is 1. Abstinence (no fun), or 2. Show your papers! Get tested, stay tested, and ask that your partner be tested.

One other point … The ribbing and the har-har-har that accompanies the suggestion that two older people may be intimate, is astounding to me. I am aghast when I hear the term “granny and gramps” in bed. Where was it ever written that being old enough to be a grandparent connotes lack of libido? Ask most of the women who attend Sex on the Porch – and they will tell you. It’s hardly granny and gramps in their bedroom! When the youth culture catches up with wisdom and respect, there will be little doubt that Medicare needs to cover STD testing. In the meantime, keeping seasoned persons in an old decrepit description (gramps and granny) allows a stereotype that enables an ease in questioning the testing. This verbal prejudice poisons the well for needed medical attention. For more information, a good discussion of the decision to include STD testing in Medicare appears in this article.

Then, just before they left the restaurant, he told her he was going scuba diving with an old college friend in Bermuda, leaving day after tomorrow. Male or female old college friend? Male (Good news). He (her date) would sure love to find a scuba diving woman. (Bad news. Sheila doesn’t scuba dive – she’s terrified of large bodies of water in which terra firma is covered with hundreds of leagues of liquid drowning fluid).

Let’s put a little cartoon bubble over each of their individual heads on the way home, after they said goodnight. Sheila, in her car by herself: What am I going to do? He is amazing, and I don’t scuba dive. When he finds out he will never ask me out again. I have to learn to scuba dive. OMG. I’m so scared of the ocean. I’ll throw up under water. Has anyone died learning to scuba dive? I wonder what he is thinking. Did I talk too much? Was he asking me if I was a scuba diver? Should I have told him? Maybe I should call him right now while it’s still fresh? … And here’s the bubble over her date’s head: That was fun. Better get home and pack.

True story. A classic example of the hardwiring difference between women and men. Ladies, we can relax. No way (or rarely) is he obsessing as we do. We’re hardwired to analyze, examine, and quadsect every situation. He has one (count it, one) neuropath for this event. He liked it or not. And he moves on, in his mind. Will he ask you out again? That’s not the issue at hand for him. Down the road, when it’s time, he will think about it. Not now. Men, back me up, here. We women can let go of the over-analyzing.

Ladies, go home and have a glass of wine and a piece of dark chocolate, instead. It’s much better for the heart and the soul, right now.

On Sunday, I tested that theory with retail therapy of my own. There I stood, in my skivvies – just me, the personal shopper, and the mirror – all in the same dressing room. Who is that woman in the mirror (referring to me)? Seriously, omg, that isn’t my body! I don’t really look like that, do I?

I’m not talking about my forehead, in case you were going to comment on how firm and taut that is. I am talking about everything below that. The problem is (I found myself explaining this to the personal shopper), that I have not been able to work out since I fractured a vertebra last December. That’s why my arms look like my grandmother’s. Cringe. It’s true. That dimpled sagging skin. I remember thinking how comfortable those arms looked, as a child. Now? On me? Let me put it this way. Not even my old boyfriend, now a good buddy, could say anything other than, “It will come back really quickly when you are able to work out again”. Even he couldn’t negate it! The personal shopper told me to go get it spray tanned.

The truth hurts. Or does it? Turns out it wasn’t so much about the clothes as it was about my brain, the thoughts I was thinking, and my attitude. I was letting stereotypes of our youth culture, and other peoples opinion (and the story I was attributing to them – not necessarily what they were intending) make my day of delightful shopping into one big pity party.

Not necessary for any of us! My advice to myself and to you? Stop the pity party right now. Find clothes you love, and don’t settle for less. If you don’t feel absolutely beautiful in it, don’t buy it. A little harsh, perhaps , but it’s the truth. Do yourself a big favor and get on the discount list for the book, in the right hand column of this article, so that you’ll be in the discussion about body image for the Boomer plus age group. Tomorrow, I’ll have more details about how to handle life in the fitting room. Stay tuned.