At midlife plus, they get lost in the shuffle of kids leaving home, new jobs, lost jobs, retirement, caring for aging parents, caring for aging children, boredom, routine, and flat out exhaustion.  Check out this article in WebMD How to Get Your Sexy Back . Here’s 21 ways to rev it up and feel sexy again. The article is for women, but men can use the tips, too. Not all of them apply to us in the second half of life, but some of them are worth mentioning. Most important – start with yourself and you will lay the foundation for going further.

Look at you. What do you see? (C’mon. Be objective. No self loathing allowed.) Would you want to be intimate with you? I’m not talking about self-esteem – we’ll leave that one in the corner for now. I’m talking about your ‘tude and your appearance. Let’s start with what my Mama told me: fake it ‘til you make it. You gotta start someplace. There’s no place like home.

Don’t look at magazines. Don’t look at movies, the internet, or tv, to figure out what you need to do. You don’t need Oprah and you don’t need Men’s Health Magazine. You just need you.

Stop. Look. And Listen. Look at you. What’s the status of your undergarments? Be honest? Still wearing frumpy briefs? Try a thong. Ladies, get a sexy bra – at least one. You’ll be stunned at how sexy you feel. I have one client who doesn’t wear underwear from time to time. It’s his little secret, and he loves it that no one knows it but him. How’s your hair? Need a remake? Get one! What kind of lotion do you use after shower? Do you even use lotion? If you buy something that feels luxurious going on, you’ll wear more of it, and that old dry skin will perk up.

Get rid of the ugly old clothes. We forget how long we’ve had them! I found a picture of myself 15 years ago, and realized I had just worn the same outfit 2 days ago. When was the last time you donned that outfit? Look hard in the mirror – do you really appear the same way you did 15 years ago in that style? Get new stuff. No excuses. Resale shops abound in this economy, and everyone has sales. You’ll feel refreshed and attractive.

Watch something hot with your partner, or by yourself. Doesn’t have to be erotica. One classic that will light your fire is Body Heat with Kathleen Turner and William Hurt. Pop some popcorn, get a cold soda, and turn it on. Literally and Figuratively.

I walked past all those Victoria Secret windows on Union Square in San Francisco just now, and each one screamed out the words, WHAT’S SEXY? We’re obsessed with looking out there for the answer. There answer is in our brain. Decide you want to look and feel sexy and you will!

I came across this article that’s telling us that there is a spray to deaden nerves and slow down premature ejaculation in older men! Seriously? In all my years of working with men over 55, I think I’ve met a lot of men who would like to have that problem! About.com usually has great stuff from the longevity editor, Mark Stibich but this time he’s missed the mark. If I’m wrong here, help me out. I’m just sayin’… If any of you have “friends” who have this problem, would you let us know?

According to Mark, PE (premature ejaculation) is right up there with ED (erectile dysfunction). OK, we all know from ‘way back in the days of Bob Dole and the pencil, that ED can be a problem, though not nearly as big a problem as the drug industry would like us to think it is . But premature ejaculation? The fact is that as men age, sensitivity decreases. Perhaps since an enlarged prostrate can contribute to PE (also known as rapid ejaculation in our professional field) in younger men, Mark is thinking that older men will experience PE, since the prostate tends to enlarge in many men later if life? I think not.

Reality is that PE is generally has emotional causes. Fear of failure of performance is a big piece. In later life, we are working to take the emphasis off performance, and on to pleasure.

Getting an old fashioned rock hard erection may be nice, but it’s not necessary for pleasure. You can get pleasured in many ways, say most older women, and proving your manhood through your member’s (as described in many romance novels!) performance is just one of dozens of ways to pleasure.

Net-net for me is that this information in Mark’s article is just flat out wrong. Guys, let me know. Are you really looking for a spray to help you lose sensitivity late in life?

My friend Joan intends to write a book called The Duh Factor… a tale of all those self help books that conclude, with great flourish and drama, in a big blinding flash of the obvious. A big, “well, Duh!”. We’ve all read them – the ones where we think why didn’t we write this, it’s so obvious!

From our seats at midlife and beyond, it’s amusing to observe younger generations unearth ostensibly new profound observations about romance, relationships and intimacy. Tara Parker-Pope, health journalist and writer for The New York Times’ Well  blog, uncovered such “duh” factors while researching her new book, “For Better: The Science of a Good Marriage.” Salon magazine has a great review. All that time and energy to scientifically prove what makes a good marriage. Seriously? When did matters of the heart become fodder for scientific study? She could have just asked any of us.

Basically, she found out that good marriages require working hard on being nice to each other, understanding, and patience. Well, duh. Yes, and how about regular intimacy and a sense of humor? Here’s what my clients say – both those that have great marriages, and those who ended in divorce. All of them that I asked, 50 to 100, say:

 #1 is “let it go” and don’t go down to the mat except for the really big stuff.

#2 is keep your sense of humor.

 #3 is, yes, you guessed it: stay sexually and intimately active – however you define it. Care enough to figure out how to inflate that flat tire of passion!

In case you don’t have time to read the entire Salon article, here’s a quote that sums it up:

As “For Better” points out, researchers found that couples in lasting marriages have at least five small positive interactions (touching, smiling, paying a compliment) for every negative one (sneering, eye rolling, withdrawal). When the ratio drops, the risk of divorce increases. Snoring and other sleep problems can contribute enormously to marital unhappiness. How you treat your partner during the first three minutes of a fight determines whether the argument will be good or bad for your marriage — launching a volley of personal criticisms is worse than opening up a discussion with a complaint. It’s these small but recognizable actions, claims Parker-Pope, that distinguish a marriage bound for splitsville from couples who stay together.

Really? No kidding? Who knew? I never would have guessed…

Duh!

Hey, world! We’re changin’ it up in the world of aging! Set in the classic of retirement settings, Sun City outside Phoenix, we watch  Jack, Sandy, Ann and friends, as they date, flirt, face later life issues, and generally live the healthy later life. These folks have the personalities that make up the Silver Sexual Revolution that I talked about in my article for Active Over 50 Magazine.  “The new silver sexual revolution is alive and well in many of the hip, forward thinking retirement communities across the nation. Make no mistake. Many of these folks are assertively choosing to be sexually active, intimate, and romantic.”

Breaking stereotypes? Of course we are! It’s what we have always done. So, don’t be so surprised.

TV is finally paying attention and catching the wave. Tune in Wednesdays 10 PM / 9 C on WE TV.  Watch and let me know what you think.

Maybe that’s why my friend Louise saved her husband’s soccer shirt, unwashed, after his untimely death. “It’s in a plastic bag”, she confessed. “I sniff it every day, and he’s right here with me.” Reader: Be careful of that yuk response. Apparently, her reaction makes a lot of sense.  I have always believed that a primal smell attracts us to a potential mate, arouses us, connects us, and at the risk of hyperbole, is how we become addicted to him/her.  Social psychology notwithstanding, I believe it’s the unconscious glue that binds us.

In WebMD online, I found a couple of experts that agree. Helen Fisher says that the “chemisty” between 2 people originates from the need to complete “chemical families”. Martie Haselton, PhD says we rate the body odors of potential partners without even knowing it. Yum. I pick you because you smell right. The bouquet of your body tells me you fill in the gaps where my hormones are lacking. I have lots of estrogen. You have testosterone. Or maybe its dopamine or serotonin. According to Dr. Haselton, it’s called histocompatibility.

The next time you’re with that special someone, or working to find him/her, put your nose in the equation.  Your woof-woof might have it right – just the right sniff may tell you more than any speed dating. Sharpen your snout. I’m just sayin’…

I promised the attendees that I would publish the names of the sites that I have found to be the safest.  As always, be careful when meeting someone new. As my mother used to say, “Don’t put everything in the front window.”  Hold back on information (where you live, your phone number, personal information) until you have had at least 3 live dates.  Here are the sites I like best:

• SeniorFriendFinder.com
• SeniorMatch.com
• PrimeSingles.com
• SilverSingles.com
• DatingForSeniors.com
• SeniorDateFinder.com

Check back here frequently for updates. Good luck with it.  Don’t get discouraged. My dear friend dated 100 men before she found her true love!

Nonetheless, there are not a lot of options (if you know of any, let me know). I’m sure you men out there have your own set of aggravations.  In all fairness to the opposite sex, perhaps we all need to pay attention, here.

 Tomorrow, let’s make up some rules, OK?  How about some radical concepts like honesty, integrity, good manners, and reality checks?  Stay tuned. Let me know your thoughts. Contact me.

It’s all in the knowing, as they say. To get started, wrap your mind around this: You were born a sexual being – at birth you were determined to be a boy or a girl. You will die a sexual being. “Sexual” means celebrating who you are as a man or a woman, however you interpret it. It doesn’t have to include a partner. If you want a partner, you can find one, or enhance the one you have. Stay tuned and we’ll have lots of blogs coming up, on that subject.

In the meantime, ponder this:

What does it take to have a great sexual encounter?

Identify what you want out of it. It’s your body to enjoy. Own it!

Expect intimacy; think about pleasuring, not performing.

Be prepared. Carry condoms and lubricant.

Communicate; tell your partner what you like and don’t like .

Understand how very nervous men are at this age about performance and being judged.

Be aware of how very nervous women are at this age about body image.

Go in with your eyes wide open; forget those darned romance novels

Keep your sense of humor. Don’t take yourself so seriously. Be able to laugh in the bedroom.

This is not like the flight attendant asking us if we are capable of opening the emergency door during a water landing. That’s when we loosen our IPods just enough to say “Yeah, ok” and replug. This time, the threat is real for 2 big reasons:

1. We don’t think it’s going to happen to us because we’ve been good girls and boys, and we’ve only dated good girls and boys. We were cleanly in committed relationships when all this AIDS epidemic happened. Oops. Wrong. The big bad world is now on our front door step (or in our bed). Change your mindset and take a cue from the 20something world today. Always use a condom and get tested for HIV. Then, ask to see their test results.

2. We have no idea how to ask. Mama never taught us how to say, “Are you clean?”. Nor did the Nuns. Nor did the headmaster(mistress). Nor did our 8^th grade biology/sex ed teacher. Nor did our minister/priest/rabbi. Nor did our shop buddies or our home economics classmates. And on and on. Think of it this way: it’s better to be asking than explaining. Ask any of the millions of STI sufferers (not just HIV – gonorrhea (yep, still around), chlamydia, and a whole host of others.) If you don’t take 15 seconds to ask, you very well may spend the rest of your life explaining, and that’s not fun. Learn to ask. Say, “Are you clean of any STI’s?”. How long did that take?

 Need facts? Nationwide, an estimated 16% of new HIV/AIDS cases are among those age 50 and older and 25% of people living with HIV/AIDS are over 50, according to the CDC.

No time to be shy. This time, nice girls and boys really will finish last.

We know the answer: stereotypically, men are from mars. Men don’t need to find out, men already know. The boomer plus generation grew up with John Wayne, Paladin (Have Gun, Will Travel, remember?), and Bonanza. Bad guys got killed by good guys because the good guys knew it all. Only wimps had to ask how. We can only assume the same blind directives came (so to speak) in bed.

I asked for volunteers from the group to form an advisory committee, so we could continue the conversations about sex and maturity. Feature this: I had 3 men volunteer and 3 women! The men, it turns out, are hungry for information.

What’s happened to John Wayne, et al?  A couple of exchanges during the workshop opened the door for them to want more.

We talked about Kinsey’s Sexual Behavior in the Human Male, 1948. A pivotal point for men. I asked why. A physician in the group (still practicing at 80) identified the book as the go-ahead for men to masturbate. Prior to this, men were shamed and humiliated about the subject (not that many aren’t still disgraced today) . It will stunt your growth (tough luck for the men with short genes). You will get hairy palms (who started that one?). Not so! Says Kinsey. It’s normal, natural, and – gasp – healthy. The men in the seminar actually talked about masturbation, probably for the first time, ever. Imagine: the book came out in 1948. It’s 61 years later, and finally the audience Kinsey was trying to reach is in dialogue about it!

The summer of love, 1967 and The Joy of Sex, Alex Comfort, 1972. The Boomer generation stood up to the Victorian values of their parents and said, No More! Reminding these men in the seminar that the summer of love changed everything, allowed them, at their age, to come out, finally, and talk about sex. What a concept – and what a relief for these men.

Prostate cancer prevention: research today is telling us that the prostate is a gland. It needs liquid passing through it. A medical incentive for some self pleasuring! Who knew?

I’ve not seen men this excited about sex talk, ever. At the next planning session, the 3 of them announced that it was their personal mission to get other men at the next discussions – men of all ages, and all sexual orientations. I watch them exhale. Ah, permission to ask how. As a sex educator, my heart sings.