And, it’s not just the skinny 20 year olds who are dancing! Listen to this from Dr. Klein:

“Another compelling feature of Brazilian women is that when it comes to dancing, everyone is eligible. No woman is too large to participate, and when they do, they shake whatever they have. Often, that’s a considerable amount of shaking, and no one scolds them or turns away. Bodies are bodies, and in Brazil, bodies are good.

In fact, the large women in Brazil dress exactly the way their thinner sisters do: skimpy, tight, and colorful. There’s even a style of tank top that deliberately exposes the belly, inviting it to hang over their short shorts. In America most women would be horrified to expose what we delicately call “rolls of fat.” In Brazil that same flesh is called, um, flesh, and it’s not seen as a moral failing or aesthetic calamity. It’s part of a woman’s body, and they apparently don’t feel the desperate need to cover or disguise it. If it’s a woman’s body, there are plenty of men to celebrate it. As a result, there are Brazilian women of every size preening. And that’s attractive regardless of how a woman is constructed.

And did I mention that the Brazilian women are gorgeous?”

‘Tis the season for parties, dining out, dressing up, dancing, or simply toasting the end of the year with a good friend. Enter Body Image and the American Woman (and men,too). How many try-ons, how many angles, how many I-wish-I-weren’t-saggings, how many I-will-start-working-outs does it take before we get comfortable with our bodies? I went to a formal event last weekend. I watched as seasoned men and women loosened up with a little wine and took their black tie bodies out on the dance floor. Some held on tight. Some, with great flourish, let it all hang out. Yes, moving (well, almost) like a Brazilian!

What an inspiration, these Brazilian women! Let’s OWN IT, as they do – or at least let’s move in that direction. Let’s move to the music and pulsate to it. Bodies are good! Just the thing to celebrate the rhythm of life in this holiday season (and any time).

“Some people don’t dance, if they
don’t know who’s singing.
Why ask your head? it’s your
hips that are swinging.”

~ Shirley Bassey, History Repeating 1997

What do you think? Let me know here.

(Parts of this blog were reprinted from Sexual Intelligence, copyright © Marty Klein, Ph.D. (www.SexualIntelligence.org).)

Right out of the chute, let’s get this straight: Deciding to work on this area of your life is very brave and courageous. It takes a person (or partners) of character to ask for help and suggestions in this arena of intimacy and sexuality, the most sensitive arena of our lives.  I always commend my clients for taking the first step – picking up the phone and calling. From that point on, it’s a team effort and the pressure is off of you to do it all alone. We work on this together.

Together, we’ll make sex and sexuality more physically, emotionally, and spiritually satisfying.  Partners and singles come to intimacy consulting to enhance marriages, relationships, dating, body image, physical sexual concerns, and overcome roadblocks from earlier years.

My philosophy is that vibrant sexuality at midlife and beyond is the secret to staying vital, attractive, and energized. It’s much bigger than bedroom sex – and inevitably more beautiful. Sex is what happens in the bedroom. Sexuality is what you show to the world as a seasoned woman or man. In my Intimacy Consulting, we ask the umbrella question: how do you want to express your unique sexuality – who you are as a man or a woman, and as partners – to the world, as well as in the bedroom? At midlife and beyond, we bring so much to the table with a lifetime of knowledge, opinion, and experience. We’re not done with our sexuality – in fact we’re just getting started!

So, what do we DO? I do what I call STRATEGIC CONSULTING. My goal is to get you on your way and smiling in as few sessions as possible, so that you can enjoy your re-defined sexuality – in the bedroom and on the boulevard! Typically, clients request 4-6 sessions.

• The sessions are upbeat and fun! Past history gets cleared right away and we move forward!
• We’re results oriented. We start with the lay of the land. What does everyone involved think or feel about the situation? Then, we set goals. These are strategic sessions in which I listen, we share, I will give you suggestions and ideas, and you leave each session with a forward moving plan.
• We develop your own private, unique strategic plan for you to implement, in small step by step increments.
• You learn how to play, relax, get your needs met, and meet your partner’s needs in ways you never considered. In Dating Strategic Consulting, you learn to de-stress the dating process, identify what you want, how to get it, how to approach bedroom sex in dating, and have a great time!

Speaking of relationships, I found a wonderful series of articles that echo my relationship style. Check them out here.

Let me know what you think! Please leave comments here.

Last weekend, I attended my #??? Ferndale, Michigan, High School class reunion. (You didn’t really think I was going to reveal the number of years, did you?). Suffice it to say it was before the Apple 2C. In any case, every time this invitation arrives, I think of all the insecure thoughts we all think before a reunion: I don’t know anyone anymore. What if ____ is there? (fill in blank with one of following: old boy/girlfriend …  that girl/boy who said those evil “put downs” to me in chemistry class … that clique of hip, slick, and cool girls). It’s high school fears all over again. Because, of course, that’s where we left those people. And if you live a long way from your home town, as I do in San Francisco, there’s the additional “I have nothing in common with them anymore, and most of them never moved away.”

Then, you go. Something deep inside makes you do it. On the way, you stop at White Castle with an old  friend, and you get the same heartburn that you always did. Hmmm. Something very odd is happening. That characteristic smell and the disgusting aftertaste of those sliders are somehow very comforting. It’s the taste and smell of your childhood. White Castle – and you’re home again.

On the way down to the hotel ballroom, you’re actually nervous. Then, it all goes away. The greeters are thrilled to see you. Hugs all around. You’re lit up with smiles. You hear  “OMG, Kathy Forsythe!”,  and you turn to see someone you would swear you’ve never laid eyes on in your life. You look at his name tag and his high school picture, and you say, “OMG, Randy Finney!” All those people that you hope aren’t there? They aren’t. Maybe they were the insecure ones in the end. And if they are there, you will be amazed how they have changed in 40+ years! (I’m just sayin’…).

You learn that joy and tragedy plays no favorites. Sure, some have had it better than others. Some personalities have changed, some not. There are still dorks (no names here!), a few are still funny, there are still the studious ones, some are still happy, and some are still sad. All of us are older, and all of us have been sobered by life. Some have lost spouses. Several had lost children. Some went bankrupt (several times). One guy is an undertaker (mortician? What’s the pc title, here?). He’s still the funniest person I have ever met. I asked about business, and he said, “Not bad. I had one today  before the reunion, and I got two more cookin’ for tomorrow.”  Completing the picture, there was the promkingnowdoctor who arrived in his Armani suit with 33 year old eye candy on his arm, of course. He kept his hand on her butt all evening long.

Our histories are very much a part of who we are. At my women’s event, Sex on the Porch, we talk about our sexuality in terms of how our life wisdom dictates how we act today as a man or as a woman. What I learned at Ferndale High School about being sexual gave me – and all of us – the foundation upon which we moved forward expressing ourselves uniquely as men and women throughout our lives. Were we wounded or abused?Was our first sexual experience wonderful or scary and painful? If we attended church, synagogue, or mosque what dictums were handed to us to guide us – or to turn away from? Our life wisdom all started ‘way back then. How much do we carry today that still influences our thinking?

At midlife, there’s a tsunami of change. One thing remains constant, and that’s the people who touched our lives ‘way back then. It’s good to go back and touch your roots.

Btw, who sang it originally? Gary U.S. Bonds. What’s the name of the record? “Quarter to Three” Who did the remake? Bruce Springsteen. Click here to get all the original lyrics – and have your own class reunion.

I would love to hear thoughts! Share here.

I don’t remember her name, but her posture said it all: this is ridiculous. Remember the Emperor’s New Clothes? For me, she was that little kid who jumped out of the crowd and told everyone that the emperor had no clothes on. In this case, her whole persona was shouting: Look at all you normally rational, kind, seasoned, sophisticated men and women. You are acting like fools and pretending this is not only normal, but fun. Are you nuts?

I’m talking about the Midlife Meat Market, also known as Singles Mixer for the Mature Crowd. Yesterday, I decided to test the waters – to experience what my clients (and I) are facing in the current offerings of singles events for the seasoned crowd in the Bay Area.

My take: Junior high cotillion all over again.

It doesn’t have to be this way. We don’t have to pretend that we are having the time of our lives when we are actually feeling as insecure as pimply faced teenagers. We don’t have to play polarizing games that allow no latitude for getting to know each other. We can redefine this mixer business in a way that honors who we are at this time in our lives, lends some dignity to the situation, and provides entertainment and introduction to new friends at the same time.

I say scrap the whole notion of come-here-to-find-love. One of the exercises yesterday involved asking anyone in the crowd if they had found love recently. Several shout-outs revealed yes, definitely – and they had stumbled on it HERE (surprise, shock) at this very mixer. Plants in the audience? Yes, perhaps. But c’mon. Seriously? Give us a little credit for life wisdom. At our age, we know it doesn’t happen with a beer, braggadocio, and plumped up plumage. At the bars when 25, perhaps, but not now.

Let’s revisit what this is about and reset the expectations. Egads! I say this over and over to my clients, concerning intimacy. The same thing applies here: It’s about pleasure not performance. Here’s an article I wrote about dating at our age. Check it out.  It’s about finding friendship and having an enjoyable evening. We’re not competing in a cake walk here, where someone will leave with the big prize. We’re seasoned adults, and this is a chance to meet new people, not find the lay of your life or your soul mate in 90 minutes. As an intimacy expert for this age group, I was mortified when the “host” presented this finale exercise “game”. He said, “Here’s the reason we’re here:  the ultimate question to define – the real reason we are all dating. Everyone who is looking for marriage go to this side of the room. If you are looking for a one night stand, go to this side.” Really? Give me a break. Not with this group.

Stop this pressure to perform like 25 year olds. As a close female friend suggested, there are lots of wonderful people to meet at these events – both male and female. Let’s just enjoy one another, and if a boy-girl thing happens, ok, nice. If not, there are friends to be made on both sides of the aisle.

I think I’ll start my own event for seasoned, midlife plus, senior singles. With dignity. With a point. A chance to connect – and entertaining at the same time. We really need to rethink this whole concept and redesign it for our level of sophistication, fun, and life wisdom – so that no one has to stand in the corner with her nametag plastered to her forehead in protest.  I would love to hear your thoughts!  Share them here.

We know the answer: stereotypically, men are from mars. Men don’t need to find out, men already know. The boomer plus generation grew up with John Wayne, Paladin (Have Gun, Will Travel, remember?), and Bonanza. Bad guys got killed by good guys because the good guys knew it all. Only wimps had to ask how. We can only assume the same blind directives came (so to speak) in bed.

I asked for volunteers from the group to form an advisory committee, so we could continue the conversations about sex and maturity. Feature this: I had 3 men volunteer and 3 women! The men, it turns out, are hungry for information.

What’s happened to John Wayne, et al?  A couple of exchanges during the workshop opened the door for them to want more.

We talked about Kinsey’s Sexual Behavior in the Human Male, 1948. A pivotal point for men. I asked why. A physician in the group (still practicing at 80) identified the book as the go-ahead for men to masturbate. Prior to this, men were shamed and humiliated about the subject (not that many aren’t still disgraced today) . It will stunt your growth (tough luck for the men with short genes). You will get hairy palms (who started that one?). Not so! Says Kinsey. It’s normal, natural, and – gasp – healthy. The men in the seminar actually talked about masturbation, probably for the first time, ever. Imagine: the book came out in 1948. It’s 61 years later, and finally the audience Kinsey was trying to reach is in dialogue about it!

The summer of love, 1967 and The Joy of Sex, Alex Comfort, 1972. The Boomer generation stood up to the Victorian values of their parents and said, No More! Reminding these men in the seminar that the summer of love changed everything, allowed them, at their age, to come out, finally, and talk about sex. What a concept – and what a relief for these men.

Prostate cancer prevention: research today is telling us that the prostate is a gland. It needs liquid passing through it. A medical incentive for some self pleasuring! Who knew?

I’ve not seen men this excited about sex talk, ever. At the next planning session, the 3 of them announced that it was their personal mission to get other men at the next discussions – men of all ages, and all sexual orientations. I watch them exhale. Ah, permission to ask how. As a sex educator, my heart sings.

Then, after all the braggadocio, somebody is saying. “I want a woman who will really listen, and not cut me off.” Another: “Me, too, I want her to laugh with me” The third: “Oh c’mon guys, let’s be honest. We want young, beautiful, big tits [he did say that!], you know. [He demonstrates desired breast projection. They all nod and chuckle.] But we want her to be there at the end of the day. Nobody age 35 is going to do that, c’mon.” Someone interrupts. “Oh yes they will. They really like old guys like us. Seriously. We’re stable.” Ya think?

Years ago, I taught a weekend retreat for teens around 15 years old. Boys and girls attended together. We asked them what they wanted in a girlfriend/boyfriend. The girls mentioned a few physical things: nice 6-pack (tight stomach muscles), broad shoulders. Never did they mention the size of any other body parts. Mostly, they talked about the relationship, as girls do.

Then, it was the boys turn. The list was long and painfully physical. Big boobs. Pretty face. Nice butt. Long legs. Not afraid of sex. Goes down on me. Snicker. Snicker. Then, my co-facilitator and I would just wait. After all the elbowing, back slapping, and crude comments, some brave young man would inevitably say: “I want a girl who will listen to me”. That opened the floodgates: “I want her to hold my hand.” “I want her to be proud to be with me”. “I want her to be honest”. “I just want her to think I’m special, and be there for me at the end of the day.”

I think the pressure on men to perform is enormous, even at midlife and beyond. To admit vulnerability is so scary. Here at the Java Beach Café, we have the graduate football team, 42 years later, still talking “locker room”, and giving us the physical list. OK. Most men are hardwired for that. The lone voice was there, however, and I heard it … he wants a relationship he can trust.

I want men to know that one of the joys of aging, is that the pressure can finally come off. We women still want that relationship. We don’t want you to perform. We really just want you to be there for us at the end of the day.

For every girl who is tired of acting weak when she is strong, there is a boy tired of appearing strong when he feels vulnerable. For every boy who is burdened with the constant expectation of knowing everything, there is a girl tired of people not trusting her intelligence. For every girl who is tired of being called over-sensitive, there is a boy who fears to be gentle, to weep. For every boy for whom competition is the only way to prove his masculinity, there is a girl who is called unfeminine when she competes. For every girl who throws out the E-Z-Bake, there is a boy who wishes to find one. For every boy struggling not to let advertising dictate his desires, there is a girl facing the ad industry’s attacks on her self-esteem. For every girl who takes a step toward her liberation, there is a boy who finds the way to freedom a little easier.

Kissed the last of the brood goodbye? says that sex for the two of you goes up afterwards. Agree? Do Cinderella and Prince Charming really appear out of the mist and the abyss that is your marriage? I’m not so sure.

No official survey or research on this, but conversations with clients, readers, and friends – men and women – after the drop off,  and two camps immerge: The Do-ers and The NonDo-ers. The Do-ers are like Jane and her amorous hubby in the article. A few heart tugs, but get outta my way to the bedroom (writing studio, craft store, new business, travel agent, etc.). The NonDo-ers look at each other and ask, “Who are you, and why are you in this car with me?”

My take is this: the end was determined long before the college applications went out. Did you take walks alone or together? Did you make time for sex regularly, not because you were supposed to, but because you really lusted after your partner? Did you thrash out problems face to face until they were resolved, tough as it might have been? Was he/she clearly more important than the kids (the dog, the bird, the cat)?

Oh yes, the do-ers did all that. They were an “it” (a unit), and they came first. Even when life was so demanding that they didn’t see each other for weeks on end, that “it” priority was there. Slipping back into sexy playfulness was a natural.

I’m going out on a limb here, but I really believe that if you polled the Nondo-ers, you’ll find that most didn’t savor their partner above the kids. That’s not to say that the nondo-ers are doomed to a sexless life after kids. It’s just going to be a whole lot harder. Some will succeed. Others will live a life of lonely, quiet desperation, probably playing a lot of golf. Then, there will be the divorces.

I know. My former spousal unit and I did all the right things. We conferred about our life and the children. We had weekend dates. We even left Cincinnati and moved to Tucson to build an amazing home and start over when our younger daughter left. Then, we got divorced. The kids were more important than we were, and the marriage took the hit. The “it” of the Do-ers was just not there, and the marriage shattered. It wasn’t quite that simple, of course. It never is. There were other major issues, as well, but there was no question that we did not insist on our partnership as a priority. It cost us, big time.  

Sex after the kids leave? Too late to start then. A better question is: Sex while the kids are at home? Aye, there’s the rub.

What’s your story? Sex life soars after the fledglings have left the nest? Or not? What happened to you?

 Michael was hard on the gruesome threesome (Viagra, Cialis, Levitra) [no pun intended]. Sales are limp, and there are reasons. They don’t give phone pole erections immediately like porn stars (most men’s source of sex ed). Small amount of side effects – headache, stomach upset, nasal congestion – are rigidly underestimated (some studies have documented up to 40% of users have these!). Most importantly, they aren’t aphrodisiacs and they don’t stiffen up wilted relationships. If you take them, what you get is an erection (or maybe not), not a relationship.

 My, oh my, NOW what do we do? The panacea seems to be sagging.

 Alas, there is hope. First of all, have heart. For some men, the big 3 DO work robustly. Several of my clients swear by them. Exactly WHY they for these guys (all over 66 years old) and not other guys, is important. Mostly, they work because they want them to work, and they are relaxed about performance anxiety. They don’t depend on the drug for passionate sex – in fact, most of them take it less than 10% of their lovemaking time. It’s simply an option on sex menu.

 Performance anxiety. The plague of men around the world. At what point can we give it up, and let men off the hook. How about right now, at midlife and beyond? Let’s get beyond Intercourse. Did you know you can orgasm (come) without an erection? It’s true. If feels just as good.

 Amazing things happen when we rethink the reproductive mindset of intercourse. Things may pop up that were supposedly gone forever. A moment of playing. Long lingering licks. A pause. And then: What is that I see rising in the East? The sun? No .. it’s my erection! Just when I decided I didn’t care if I got it up because I’m doing more of other stuff – oral sex, caressing, holding, exploration – it’s rising like the Phoenix.

 Don’t count on these 3 for solid sex! Play around. Pursue the passionate life knowing that, erection or not, you can have firm fun!

How about sugar water in mini wax Coke bottles – in a variety of totally artificial colors? (Did you eat the wax? My friends did. Yuk). Ruby red wax lips (we chewed the wax after the lips got all melted and distorted from body heat)? Those little dots on adding machine paper? Candy cigarettes (Remember the Marlboro Man [who later succumbed to lung cancer]?) Chuckles, Sugar Daddy, Bit-O-Honey. Sen Sen breath freshener that tasted like soap. Remember NECCO WAFERS? I hated them, but they were omnipresent, and I never figured out why. Teaberry and Black Jack gum. Can’t you just taste them? Salted Pumpkin seeds. A minor miracle that we all didn’t have hardening of the arteries on the spot.

 That’s what Patti sent me. Yesterday, (really yesterday – April 23, 2009), I ate the pumpkin seeds on my way to a business meeting in downtown San Francisco on a shuttle. I just laughed out loud (a daring act in a mini-bus filled with oh-so-serious-Ipod-wired thirty somethings). There I was, 12 years old. It was 1961. I’m with Patti at the counter of that dingy little Mom and Pop grocery store at the corner of Nine Mile and Livernois in Detroit, stocking up on sugar and salt. The Vietnam war still belonged to France. Kennedy was president. Life was innocent and very, very sweet.

 I remember my first kiss and my first date, too. Bobby Parks kissed me at my locker in Lincoln Junior High in 7^th grade. Bobby was about a foot shorter than I, but oh well. It counted. Then there was the “date” with Ben Franklin (yep). We went for a walk in the fall of 1962. 8^th grade. At one point, we stopped behind a wall. He kissed me, and pressed up against me with what felt like a thick metal pipe right on my pubic bone. Oh, ouch, I remember how much it hurt. Perhaps not as much as he was hurting to empty that pipe! I asked him to take me home.  

Funny how those memories seem so simple, and harmless, now. The first bra, the “grow bra”, and the stuffing of Kleenex into the cup. Learning about the “fast” girls, and how they kissed (open mouths, can you imagine)? First periods and the pamphlet from Modess, You’re a young lady, now! – picturing a perfectly groomed little lady in frills and a circle skirt staring in a hand mirror, amazed at how beautiful she was. Remember, ladies? The booklet told us to let our mothers tell our fathers about “our wonderful new event”.

Boys were going through their own metamorphosis. I wouldn’t dare to touch that one! C’mon men, tell us about it!

By 1971, we (some of us) were liberated by The Joy of Sex. Read more about that here. In the meantime, it was a sweet, naïve time.

 What was your favorite candy?