What a masterful way to deliver a critical message! In my new book, Sexperienced: Guide for the Seasoned Woman Seeking New Possibilities , I talk about our juicy seasoned sensuality – using all five senses to remind, reinforce, and redefine ourselves as the sexy women (and men!) that we are. We love to look – and that’s a good thing! Looking at hot younger men is not only desirable, it’s a boon to our mental and physical health.

Looking refreshes our sexuality, lifts our mood, starts the dopamine flowing (hormone of desire and romance), makes us stand up straight with erect posture (no kidding!) and own our sexuality, and revs up a primal drive that defines who we are as women (in this case straight women, but my Lesbian friends have appreciated this ad, as well, from the sheer creativity and awe of the human body – female or male.)

One more thing. To the seasoned sexy women reading this: At Sex on the Porch I hear from women over and over again that men our age are only interested in looking at younger women. Stop the presses! When men look at younger women, they are participating in the same eros life force that attracts women to the men in this advertisement. It’s a part of who we are as human beings. Our brain is our most potent sex organ. What we think, and allow ourselves to enjoy, is the key ingredient to vibrant sexuality. We’re all hard wired to look, appreciate, and delight in sexy specimens at any age. Men take a lot of heat for looking, and commenting. Yes, men tend to be less subtle, and express the enjoyment outwardly. Nonetheless, our sense of sight is powerful for both sexes. Looking doesn’t mean that a man or woman wants to sleep with the observed. It’s simply another way of experiencing our sensuality (this time with our eyes) and participating in that vital life force of our sexuality.

Enjoy this YouTube treat, all my seasoned friends – men and women! It’s simply hot. And fun.

By the way, it was given to me by my colleague Melanie Davis, Ph.D. (www.honestexchange.com ), sex educator extraordinaire, and fellow member at the Consortium on Sex and Aging at Widener University.

Kind of makes you want to get an IPhone for the monthly eye candy, doesn’t it? I’ll be interested in your comments.

I would love to hear thoughts. Click here to leave a comment.

We know the answer: stereotypically, men are from mars. Men don’t need to find out, men already know. The boomer plus generation grew up with John Wayne, Paladin (Have Gun, Will Travel, remember?), and Bonanza. Bad guys got killed by good guys because the good guys knew it all. Only wimps had to ask how. We can only assume the same blind directives came (so to speak) in bed.

I asked for volunteers from the group to form an advisory committee, so we could continue the conversations about sex and maturity. Feature this: I had 3 men volunteer and 3 women! The men, it turns out, are hungry for information.

What’s happened to John Wayne, et al?  A couple of exchanges during the workshop opened the door for them to want more.

We talked about Kinsey’s Sexual Behavior in the Human Male, 1948. A pivotal point for men. I asked why. A physician in the group (still practicing at 80) identified the book as the go-ahead for men to masturbate. Prior to this, men were shamed and humiliated about the subject (not that many aren’t still disgraced today) . It will stunt your growth (tough luck for the men with short genes). You will get hairy palms (who started that one?). Not so! Says Kinsey. It’s normal, natural, and – gasp – healthy. The men in the seminar actually talked about masturbation, probably for the first time, ever. Imagine: the book came out in 1948. It’s 61 years later, and finally the audience Kinsey was trying to reach is in dialogue about it!

The summer of love, 1967 and The Joy of Sex, Alex Comfort, 1972. The Boomer generation stood up to the Victorian values of their parents and said, No More! Reminding these men in the seminar that the summer of love changed everything, allowed them, at their age, to come out, finally, and talk about sex. What a concept – and what a relief for these men.

Prostate cancer prevention: research today is telling us that the prostate is a gland. It needs liquid passing through it. A medical incentive for some self pleasuring! Who knew?

I’ve not seen men this excited about sex talk, ever. At the next planning session, the 3 of them announced that it was their personal mission to get other men at the next discussions – men of all ages, and all sexual orientations. I watch them exhale. Ah, permission to ask how. As a sex educator, my heart sings.

I live in San Francisco, home of all things related to sexuality. Except, it appears, this issue. When will they get it?: when it comes to breasts, and breast health, we are talking about the very essence of who we are, heart and soul, as women? We don’t want to be told to wait to find out if we have breast cancer.

My phone call to the “breast health center” yields, after a 10 minute wait, a scheduling rep barely able to speak English, who promises me an appointment on August 13. All booked until then. You have GOT to be kidding?! You want me to WAIT 16 days to see if I have breast cancer? And what about an interpretation of what they found? “Well, Ms. Forsythe, I really don’t know, but you should have received a letter from us explaining. You might want to check your mailbox.” Oh, please. HELLO! I received no letter, no explanation. Can you please connect me to a medical professional who can explain what my mammogram indicated? “Yes, Ms. Forsythe, I can take your number and have them call you back.” (They never did.)

I proceeded to push up the leadership ladder to get an appointment now, and find out what’s wrong. I want an appointment TODAY. This is my body, these are my breasts. I want to know NOW if I have breast cancer. Nothing else matters. I try to call the “higher ups” to get help. I get this: No living breathing people. Please leave a message for: 1. The Breast Health Center Manager (who, it turns out, is not in today and has no backup). 2. The customer service agent who promises to call me back within 24 hours (24 hours? THIS is customer service in a clinic whose sole purpose is about breast cancer?). 3. The chief Radiologist who reads these results, a senior sounding male, who also promises to call back (and never did … but what was I thinking … doctor as god does not have to call you back, of course.)  4. Before I call the Chief Nursing Administrator, I call the lowly scheduler again. This time, I get English as the first language. Please connect me to SOME medical professional who can help me. She connects me to “Sally” (name changed), nurse of some flavor. Sally hears my desperate plea to be seen NOW, so that I don’t go into clinical depression by August 13. She will call me back in one hour. Amazingly, she does. I’ll be seen tomorrow at 3PM. I exhale. I am exhausted.

Its an old, tired story and it doesn’t have to be that way. No, ladies, it doesn’t have to be like this. Listen to me: YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO FIND OUT WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU RIGHT NOW. This is YOUR body. Take control of it. Learn to be your own advocate. The health care system is so muddled up that there are vast gaping black holes. You can fall in, nobody cares, and in most cases, no one is going to reach in with a helping hand to pull you out. You must do it for yourself.

What if you took your car into the mechanic, and he/she said, “We’ve found something that could cause you to crash into a telephone pole and burn up at any time. Might be very dangerous. We just don’t know exactly what is wrong. By the way, we are not going to tell you what we suspicion is wrong. Just bring the car back in 17 days, and we’ll do more tests. Good luck in the meantime.” Would you stand for that? What would you do? If this car scenario doesn’t suit you, substitute your dog, your cat, even your child in the above scenario.

Of course, you wouldn’t put up with it for a minute! The same is true when it comes to your breast health care. Own it, ladies. Push for what you want. Don’t let the system dictate what you must do. Don’t let any degree or position intimidate you. Get the information and procedures you need, now, or go somewhere else.

Here’s hope: Can you imagine a system where there is a navigator, a person who takes your hand, is your advocate, and guides you through the maze of medical spider webs in breast health? What if, in this same system, they did not let you leave after your first screening mammogram if anything suspicious showed up? What if they kept you there, did the follow-up diagnostic tests on the spot? Then, if something needed to be aspirated or biopsied, it was done right then, with the advocate by your side?

Don’t ask me what I have been smoking! This system exists! Unfortunately for me, the one I found is in Georgia. Check it out: MCGHealth, the premier healthcare system of Georgia. Platinum customer service from medical professionals who know how to give it does exist. At MCGHealth, they don’t settle for less.

In the meantime, remember: this is YOUR body, the only one you have. These are YOUR breasts, the only ones you have. This is what makes you a woman, helps define your sexuality. Demand what you need. You are the customer. Don’t be intimidated. The life you save may be your own. Nobody else is going to do it for you.

M. Scott Peck began The Road Less Traveled, with the words, “Life is difficult”. After you understand that, he suggests, life is easier. No doubt, that’s one of the most profound statements ever said, and the most difficult to execute. Today, we would call it acceptance. He also held that loving someone means encouraging them to grow in their own way, not your way. Pushing them to do what they need to do to grow, not what you want them to do.

Justice O’Connor has been through hell with this disease, as have any others who have experienced the gut wrenching experience of watching a loved one’s brain go awry before their very eyes. She gave up the highest court in the land to care for John. Let’s not minimize her struggle by passing it off as “relief”. As you watch her plea for government support, we see a women like many of us who have lived with Alzheimers -  tired, sad, and weary – and looking for help. Like many of us, she has endured the ultimate abuse of the disease: “Who are you? Have you met my girlfriend?”.

I want to honor Justice O’Connor. She has given John the ultimate gift – pushing him to do what makes him happy, and accepting a rebuff from her soul mate of 57 years. My heart goes out to you, Justice O’Connor, for taking the very difficult high road. Life is difficult. You must love John with a love deeper than many marriages will ever experience.

 Our conversation took a serious turn when we talked about the eventual splitting up of these lifetime partners when one becomes beyond home care.

 The nursing home, or extended care, or total care … whatever your nomenclature. Sterile, gentle, quiet. What if you want to have sex, or be intimate – either with a partner or by yourself? We are not necessarily talking about intercourse, here. In fact, sex may have been redefined to include oral sex, fondling, or just plain cuddling.

 So, you want be sexual with your partner when he/she visits. Think about it. A lifetime together, then at the end, your precious intimacy – the bond that holds you together – is challenged. Most facilitities stand aghast at senior folks being sexual. Cuddling is cute. Oral sex is not. Arguments include: it upsets the staff (whose issue is that?); it upsets the other residents (jealous?); it upsets the patient (did anyone ask him/her?). In any case, in my opinion, its inexcusable on any level that partners, whether new or lifetime, are not given intimacy time. Just close the door if you don’t want to know about it. Give them a separate room for a few hours. It could be the gift that keeps them living!

Back to our insightful social worker. She is encouraging the idea of an inservice for all of the staff, for training on how to handle and honor sexuality. How about that? I have done many of these staff inservices, but mostly at my suggestion. She brought it up. How lucky those residents are to have her at the helm. We need more of her! Clap! Clap! Clap!

 Michael was hard on the gruesome threesome (Viagra, Cialis, Levitra) [no pun intended]. Sales are limp, and there are reasons. They don’t give phone pole erections immediately like porn stars (most men’s source of sex ed). Small amount of side effects – headache, stomach upset, nasal congestion – are rigidly underestimated (some studies have documented up to 40% of users have these!). Most importantly, they aren’t aphrodisiacs and they don’t stiffen up wilted relationships. If you take them, what you get is an erection (or maybe not), not a relationship.

 My, oh my, NOW what do we do? The panacea seems to be sagging.

 Alas, there is hope. First of all, have heart. For some men, the big 3 DO work robustly. Several of my clients swear by them. Exactly WHY they for these guys (all over 66 years old) and not other guys, is important. Mostly, they work because they want them to work, and they are relaxed about performance anxiety. They don’t depend on the drug for passionate sex – in fact, most of them take it less than 10% of their lovemaking time. It’s simply an option on sex menu.

 Performance anxiety. The plague of men around the world. At what point can we give it up, and let men off the hook. How about right now, at midlife and beyond? Let’s get beyond Intercourse. Did you know you can orgasm (come) without an erection? It’s true. If feels just as good.

 Amazing things happen when we rethink the reproductive mindset of intercourse. Things may pop up that were supposedly gone forever. A moment of playing. Long lingering licks. A pause. And then: What is that I see rising in the East? The sun? No .. it’s my erection! Just when I decided I didn’t care if I got it up because I’m doing more of other stuff – oral sex, caressing, holding, exploration – it’s rising like the Phoenix.

 Don’t count on these 3 for solid sex! Play around. Pursue the passionate life knowing that, erection or not, you can have firm fun!

Not all libidos are created equally. Like breast size and penis shape, they’re all different! There isn’t one libido- sex drive – that’s better than another. They all work – the challenge shows up when libido strength doesn’t harmonize in relationships.  Mismatch of libidos plagues the strongest of partners, and strains the heartiest of daters.

Let’s not confuse sex drive – the need to actually experience physical sex (intercourse, oral sex, et al) – with feeling sexy. They are two distinct happenings. Your low libido can allow you to feel sexy, but not want to have sex. I know you know what I mean!

In the former, libido or sex drive, that wonderful arousal occurs – an erection for both men and women, though it’s clearly not as obvious in women. The heart beats faster. Lubrication occurs (or, for our midlife plus crowd, artificial lube is used). There’s literally a hot lust that makes you desire another person.

Feeling sexy is feeling alluring, feeling alive as a man or a women, and not necessarily so that you want to actually have sex. It plays out in the way you carry yourself, the clothes you wear, the words you speak.

The point is that your wonderful low libido can allow you to be sexy without having sex. How does this play out for you and your partner? When the high libido partner wants sex, the low libido partner can do sexy things to satisfy that high libido counterpart. Dress up in alluring outfits. Strip in front of your partner. Allow yourself to do things to him/her that don’t involve you having to have yourself rubbed and touched to orgasm.

In our Sex on the Porch series, many women ask how to handle low libidos with overly zealous partners. Check out some suggestions here.

Most important, adhere to the rule of 3 for great sex: communicate, communicate, communicate. If you can’t do it by yourselves, see a coach. However you want to talk about it, just talk about it!  Let your partner know that this is nothing personal, but you just don’t have the level of desire that he/she does. Let him/her masturbate in front of you. Make a deal: you will have intercourse (or oral sex, or however he/she defines “having sex”) in exchange for an activity that you want to do (walk on the beach, go to the movies, etc.) Sounds hokey, but those contracts work.

You never know, you just may end up wanting more when the pressure is off.

 I’m writing this blog for men, because women are professional relationship people, great connectors, and generally can easily ask for understanding adn information. Men are less likely to ask for help. Yet, sex is a critical part of most men’s life. As one man put it, ” Sexual feelings and sexuality are the most wonderful and beautiful things on the face of the earth.” – and we don’t want to lose that.

For men who have been sexually very active, the body will do its best to return to normalcy. Like everything else with cancer, it may be a new normal (your body consistently reacting differently than it has before). It depends on the individual, the mindset and the attitude.

 My favorite phrase about this is: yougottawannawanna. Mindset is critical. I have seen people who couldn’t smell, taste, hear, see or talk after heavy treatments – who got those senses all back and their libido! Both men mentioned at the beginning are seriously dismayed and worried that the joy of sex was gone for them. It’s not. The body has been thrown a curve ball with chemo, radiation, and even surgery. It’s busy trying to get it all balanced, and it can’t do it all at once.

 The American Cancer Society has good reading on “Keeping Your Sex Life Going”, and lots of links to other discussions around cancer and sex. Check it out.

 It’s not just fear of losing arousal that cancer patients face, sexually. There’s so much more. Grief. Loneliness. Depression. Anger. Reactions to body changes. All these contribute to getting the libido back. Putting these aside can be almost impossible!

 Communication is the key. If you are partnered, talk honestly about your feelings and your fears. If you are single, find a trusted friend, a spiritual counselor, or seek out coach familiar with sex and cancer. I will be happy to help you, or I can help find you a counselor. Being single with cancer can require you to reach out just at a time when you would rather pull in. It’s not easy. Talk openly about your concerns.

 Here are some basic, simple suggestions to a very, very complex situation:

• If you don’t want to be touched, tell your partner or that person wanting to hug you. You will want to be touched later, just not right now.
• If you are missing sexual feelings, consider watching juicy erotica.
• Masturbating, or even gently caressing genitals can be reassuring.
• Take the emphasis off orgasm. Enjoy the sensual feelings. Orgasms can come later.
• Take the pressure off having intercourse. This is more about pleasuring gently,  not performance.

Here are some additional helpful links:

• From the UK Cancer Research Center on how cancer can affect your sex life. Let’s give one point to socialized medicine!
• This is one woman’s grueling battle with multiple myeloma - with a very happy ending.

There is so much about this subject that one small blog cannot possibly address. I’d like to get a dialogue going. What have you done to help you get through cancer?