At midlife plus, they get lost in the shuffle of kids leaving home, new jobs, lost jobs, retirement, caring for aging parents, caring for aging children, boredom, routine, and flat out exhaustion.  Check out this article in WebMD How to Get Your Sexy Back . Here’s 21 ways to rev it up and feel sexy again. The article is for women, but men can use the tips, too. Not all of them apply to us in the second half of life, but some of them are worth mentioning. Most important – start with yourself and you will lay the foundation for going further.

Look at you. What do you see? (C’mon. Be objective. No self loathing allowed.) Would you want to be intimate with you? I’m not talking about self-esteem – we’ll leave that one in the corner for now. I’m talking about your ‘tude and your appearance. Let’s start with what my Mama told me: fake it ‘til you make it. You gotta start someplace. There’s no place like home.

Don’t look at magazines. Don’t look at movies, the internet, or tv, to figure out what you need to do. You don’t need Oprah and you don’t need Men’s Health Magazine. You just need you.

Stop. Look. And Listen. Look at you. What’s the status of your undergarments? Be honest? Still wearing frumpy briefs? Try a thong. Ladies, get a sexy bra – at least one. You’ll be stunned at how sexy you feel. I have one client who doesn’t wear underwear from time to time. It’s his little secret, and he loves it that no one knows it but him. How’s your hair? Need a remake? Get one! What kind of lotion do you use after shower? Do you even use lotion? If you buy something that feels luxurious going on, you’ll wear more of it, and that old dry skin will perk up.

Get rid of the ugly old clothes. We forget how long we’ve had them! I found a picture of myself 15 years ago, and realized I had just worn the same outfit 2 days ago. When was the last time you donned that outfit? Look hard in the mirror – do you really appear the same way you did 15 years ago in that style? Get new stuff. No excuses. Resale shops abound in this economy, and everyone has sales. You’ll feel refreshed and attractive.

Watch something hot with your partner, or by yourself. Doesn’t have to be erotica. One classic that will light your fire is Body Heat with Kathleen Turner and William Hurt. Pop some popcorn, get a cold soda, and turn it on. Literally and Figuratively.

I walked past all those Victoria Secret windows on Union Square in San Francisco just now, and each one screamed out the words, WHAT’S SEXY? We’re obsessed with looking out there for the answer. There answer is in our brain. Decide you want to look and feel sexy and you will!

I came across this article that’s telling us that there is a spray to deaden nerves and slow down premature ejaculation in older men! Seriously? In all my years of working with men over 55, I think I’ve met a lot of men who would like to have that problem! About.com usually has great stuff from the longevity editor, Mark Stibich but this time he’s missed the mark. If I’m wrong here, help me out. I’m just sayin’… If any of you have “friends” who have this problem, would you let us know?

According to Mark, PE (premature ejaculation) is right up there with ED (erectile dysfunction). OK, we all know from ‘way back in the days of Bob Dole and the pencil, that ED can be a problem, though not nearly as big a problem as the drug industry would like us to think it is . But premature ejaculation? The fact is that as men age, sensitivity decreases. Perhaps since an enlarged prostrate can contribute to PE (also known as rapid ejaculation in our professional field) in younger men, Mark is thinking that older men will experience PE, since the prostate tends to enlarge in many men later if life? I think not.

Reality is that PE is generally has emotional causes. Fear of failure of performance is a big piece. In later life, we are working to take the emphasis off performance, and on to pleasure.

Getting an old fashioned rock hard erection may be nice, but it’s not necessary for pleasure. You can get pleasured in many ways, say most older women, and proving your manhood through your member’s (as described in many romance novels!) performance is just one of dozens of ways to pleasure.

Net-net for me is that this information in Mark’s article is just flat out wrong. Guys, let me know. Are you really looking for a spray to help you lose sensitivity late in life?

My friend Joan intends to write a book called The Duh Factor… a tale of all those self help books that conclude, with great flourish and drama, in a big blinding flash of the obvious. A big, “well, Duh!”. We’ve all read them – the ones where we think why didn’t we write this, it’s so obvious!

From our seats at midlife and beyond, it’s amusing to observe younger generations unearth ostensibly new profound observations about romance, relationships and intimacy. Tara Parker-Pope, health journalist and writer for The New York Times’ Well  blog, uncovered such “duh” factors while researching her new book, “For Better: The Science of a Good Marriage.” Salon magazine has a great review. All that time and energy to scientifically prove what makes a good marriage. Seriously? When did matters of the heart become fodder for scientific study? She could have just asked any of us.

Basically, she found out that good marriages require working hard on being nice to each other, understanding, and patience. Well, duh. Yes, and how about regular intimacy and a sense of humor? Here’s what my clients say – both those that have great marriages, and those who ended in divorce. All of them that I asked, 50 to 100, say:

 #1 is “let it go” and don’t go down to the mat except for the really big stuff.

#2 is keep your sense of humor.

 #3 is, yes, you guessed it: stay sexually and intimately active – however you define it. Care enough to figure out how to inflate that flat tire of passion!

In case you don’t have time to read the entire Salon article, here’s a quote that sums it up:

As “For Better” points out, researchers found that couples in lasting marriages have at least five small positive interactions (touching, smiling, paying a compliment) for every negative one (sneering, eye rolling, withdrawal). When the ratio drops, the risk of divorce increases. Snoring and other sleep problems can contribute enormously to marital unhappiness. How you treat your partner during the first three minutes of a fight determines whether the argument will be good or bad for your marriage — launching a volley of personal criticisms is worse than opening up a discussion with a complaint. It’s these small but recognizable actions, claims Parker-Pope, that distinguish a marriage bound for splitsville from couples who stay together.

Really? No kidding? Who knew? I never would have guessed…

Duh!

Hey, world! We’re changin’ it up in the world of aging! Set in the classic of retirement settings, Sun City outside Phoenix, we watch  Jack, Sandy, Ann and friends, as they date, flirt, face later life issues, and generally live the healthy later life. These folks have the personalities that make up the Silver Sexual Revolution that I talked about in my article for Active Over 50 Magazine.  “The new silver sexual revolution is alive and well in many of the hip, forward thinking retirement communities across the nation. Make no mistake. Many of these folks are assertively choosing to be sexually active, intimate, and romantic.”

Breaking stereotypes? Of course we are! It’s what we have always done. So, don’t be so surprised.

TV is finally paying attention and catching the wave. Tune in Wednesdays 10 PM / 9 C on WE TV.  Watch and let me know what you think.

Maybe that’s why my friend Louise saved her husband’s soccer shirt, unwashed, after his untimely death. “It’s in a plastic bag”, she confessed. “I sniff it every day, and he’s right here with me.” Reader: Be careful of that yuk response. Apparently, her reaction makes a lot of sense.  I have always believed that a primal smell attracts us to a potential mate, arouses us, connects us, and at the risk of hyperbole, is how we become addicted to him/her.  Social psychology notwithstanding, I believe it’s the unconscious glue that binds us.

In WebMD online, I found a couple of experts that agree. Helen Fisher says that the “chemisty” between 2 people originates from the need to complete “chemical families”. Martie Haselton, PhD says we rate the body odors of potential partners without even knowing it. Yum. I pick you because you smell right. The bouquet of your body tells me you fill in the gaps where my hormones are lacking. I have lots of estrogen. You have testosterone. Or maybe its dopamine or serotonin. According to Dr. Haselton, it’s called histocompatibility.

The next time you’re with that special someone, or working to find him/her, put your nose in the equation.  Your woof-woof might have it right – just the right sniff may tell you more than any speed dating. Sharpen your snout. I’m just sayin’…

“Everything you ever wanted to know about aging, but were afraid to ask”.  The 2010 American Society on Aging/National Council on Aging Convention in Chicago last week was a testimonial to the popular adage that “60 is the new 50” – or, as some optimists prefer:  70 is the new 50. In any case, energy packed the Hyatt Regency on Wacker last week, with thousands of people gallivanting from workshop to seminar to exhibits to that refreshing taste of wine at the end of the day.

The Silver Sexual Revolution was my presentation. In spite of our workshop room being buried deeply in the bowels of the Hyatt (purple level, West tower, no escalator), and our time slot couldn’t have been more challenging (the lunch hour), our topic of sexuality and aging ruled! They can’t keep the pioneers down! We garnered a decent crowd, and the discussion was lively. I shared the stage with Anita Hoffer, PhD (the really smart one – Harvard professor), and Peggy Brick, MA (the Grande Dame of sex education in this country – maybe the world). A distinguished panel, we talked about our own work, and the mission of the new Consortium on Sexuality and Aging – a compendium of talented professionals devoted to this critical topic.

We talked about the need for redefining how we view intimacy at midlife plus – and taking the emphasis off the grand poobah, intercourse, and onto pleasuring and enjoying intimacy without the pressure of “going all the way”. That’s really a message for all ages, but, lucky for our age group, it’s our theme song.

I discussed the need for staff training in independent living, assisted living, and skilled nursing around the sexual expression issues. A whole skill set is needed for staff in dealing with these issues, both in accommodating couples within a community, and accounting for dementia and sexuality. Some tough challenges rear their heads , but with love, hope, and focused skills and protocol, we are able to help. Staff training and policy development for staff and administration is my specialty.

The highlight for me was  Ken Dychtwald, the keynote speaker Wednesday morning. His key learning points, from my vantage point were:

·       Only 20% of medical schools in this country have Gerontology specialties.

·       If that is the case for general programs in geriatrics, imagine the small number of schools that actually allow training in sexuality. Not many! And yet it is the baseline of who we are.

·       Boomers need a financial wake-up call. We will no longer be able to create wealth from thin air. Instead, we need to take a lesson from our parents, and heed the call of savvy spending and savings. It’s never too late to start.

Great convention! Thank you, ASA and NCOA for giving us a week of updates, promises, and hope.

Your first date with him. He washed his car before he picked you up. He chose just the right restaurant because he knew that you adored Thai. The dinner repartee was clever, rich and intense.  The goodnight kiss was warm, and luscious. You floated into your house after he said good night. You knew it: this one is a keeper, Mr. Wonderful.

Then, the phone doesn’t ring and there is no email. What gives? You begin to obsess. Maybe I promised to call him? What if I just shoot him a quick text? I will email him with the names of those CDs we talked about. Does he have another woman? And the big one: Was I too fat/skinny/flat-chested/big butted/tall/short/pick-a-fault!?

Understand this about men: men tend to think in boxes with events neatly compartmentalized, separately. Men, am I on the mark, here? We women are the opposite. We think in one long flowing interconnected line. That means that we build on events – one leads to the next, and so forth. That doesn’t happen in the typical male mind. Each date is a session unto itself. After the first date, the closest most guys get to actually thinking, “This one is a keeper” is this: “I had a good time. I could see her again.” Yes, men get smitten, too – but their hardwiring doesn’t allow them to frantically build the love of their life scenario after the first date, as our hardwiring does.

What’s the point? If you want to date healthy men, get ready for what appears to be “lack of commitment” (unless he is eagerly looking for a nurse or a purse, which you definitely don’t want!). It takes men at least five “sessions” (i.e. dates) before the light dawns: Wow. I really like this woman. I think I might like to spend more time with her. Translation of what this guy is thinking for women: This might be the beginning of a real relationship. What a concept – we women arrived at that conclusion after the first date!

Don’t take it personally, and don’t call him right away or ever. We liberated women don’t like this next bit of advice: Let him come to you. Yes, it still bears out in the long run. If you felt good energy, chances are that he did, too, and he will call again – maybe right away, but not always. My male clients who claim to have difficulties finding the right woman tell me this: often they are highly attracted to a woman – and call her maybe once a month. I always ask: How can she possibly know that you like her that much if you don’t call her? Inevitably, a puzzled look comes across their face. The usual answer is I don’t know.

In the end, each of us has to decide as a woman what characteristics we are willing to tolerate in our dates. If you are faced with a man who declares his fondness for you, but rarely calls, it’s up to you to decide if he is right for you. If you decide to wait it out, my advice is to remember what your mother told you in high school. There are plenty of other fish in the sea. Keep fishing! The time you spend with other men, or simply looking for other men, will pass quickly. Before you know it, the phone will ring from Mr. Wonderful. If it doesn’t, you haven’t lost anything. Instead, you are on your way to finding Mr. Wonderful #2, and you can easily address Mr. Wonderful #1 with my favorite word in dating, Next!

I promised the attendees that I would publish the names of the sites that I have found to be the safest.  As always, be careful when meeting someone new. As my mother used to say, “Don’t put everything in the front window.”  Hold back on information (where you live, your phone number, personal information) until you have had at least 3 live dates.  Here are the sites I like best:

• SeniorFriendFinder.com
• SeniorMatch.com
• PrimeSingles.com
• SilverSingles.com
• DatingForSeniors.com
• SeniorDateFinder.com

Check back here frequently for updates. Good luck with it.  Don’t get discouraged. My dear friend dated 100 men before she found her true love!

Personally, I’m tired of bad manners and rude behavior online. All right … I know it’s a fantasy, but what if … ? Here are my top ten decency rules, the founding tenets of the Match.com decency police.

They boil down to this: What would your grandmother tell you to do?

 1. When someone addresses you politely, as in an email, you respond politely, even if you are not interested. A reply of “get a life” is not what I am referring to, here.

2. You do not ignore a pleasant reply. You can take the time to type, “Thank you, but I don’t feel we are a match. Good luck with your search.” Or, simply press the button that Match provides with those words on it!

3. “Do unto others as you would have others do unto you”. I heard that somewhere …

4. Always tell the truth. I have a sign on my wall that says, “People can always recover from the truth.” This applies to age, height, status, and mental stability. Do you think he/she won’t find out?

5. You would not put the phone down in the middle of a conversation and walk away. The same applies to email conversations. If you need to end the interchange, so say. Don’t leave us literally hanging.

6. Unwanted guests are not welcome on the first several dates. This includes former spouses, dead spouses, and other former relationship stories with sad, unresolved endings.

7. Be kind. If you meet someone, and they appear to be a total freak, the polar opposite of what they described online, gently excuse yourself. Remember that they are doing the best they can, scary as it may be.

8. Get off Match (et al) when you are no longer interested, for whatever reason. Save us all the time of reading, writing, and the accompanying anxiety. See rule #3.

9. For god’s sake, don’t take yourself so seriously.

10. Revisit rule #3. Over and over and over. No religious connotations intended, just sensible relationship behavior.

 Yes, I know it’s a fantasy. Still it’s worth thinking about. The internet allows us to hide behind the cloak of our keyboard, and we forget the good manners that (sometimes) are more likely to happen face to face.

 I found these lyrics, from one of my favorite musicals, Chicago. A little tongue in cheek humor. Guess we all need to take care that the pot is not calling the kettle black. What more can I say?

 (Velma)
Whatever happened to fair dealing
And pure ethics
And nice manners?
Why is it everyone now is a pain in the Ass?
Whatever happened to class?
(Mama)
Class.
Whatever happened to

Please may I
And Yes thank you
And How charming?
Now every son of a bitch
Is a snake in the grass
Whatever happened to class?

(Velma)

 It’s a scary world out there, and there is no filter on who can post themselves on these internet sites. So flatter me. Just for a moment, let’s pretend that most people are basically decent, just have forgotten to put on a clean shirt before going out. C’mon folks. We’ve all lived long enough to know better.

Nonetheless, there are not a lot of options (if you know of any, let me know). I’m sure you men out there have your own set of aggravations.  In all fairness to the opposite sex, perhaps we all need to pay attention, here.

 Tomorrow, let’s make up some rules, OK?  How about some radical concepts like honesty, integrity, good manners, and reality checks?  Stay tuned. Let me know your thoughts. Contact me.