He washed his car before he picked you up. He chose the restaurant du jour because he knew that you adored Thai. The dinner repartee was clever, rich and intense. After dinner, you strolled arm in arm with him, down to the wharf. You cuddled close together and star gazed. The goodnight kiss was warm, and luscious. You virtually skipped back to your house after he left. You can’t escape the thought: this one is a keeper, Mr. Wonderful.
Your first date with him. He washed his car before he picked you up. He chose just the right restaurant because he knew that you adored Thai. The dinner repartee was clever, rich and intense. The goodnight kiss was warm, and luscious. You floated into your house after he said good night. You knew it: this one is a keeper, Mr. Wonderful.
Then, the phone doesn’t ring and there is no email. What gives? You begin to obsess. Maybe I promised to call him? What if I just shoot him a quick text? I will email him with the names of those CDs we talked about. Does he have another woman? And the big one: Was I too fat/skinny/flat-chested/big butted/tall/short/pick-a-fault!?
Understand this about men: men tend to think in boxes with events neatly compartmentalized, separately. Men, am I on the mark, here? We women are the opposite. We think in one long flowing interconnected line. That means that we build on events – one leads to the next, and so forth. That doesn’t happen in the typical male mind. Each date is a session unto itself. After the first date, the closest most guys get to actually thinking, “This one is a keeper” is this: “I had a good time. I could see her again.” Yes, men get smitten, too – but their hardwiring doesn’t allow them to frantically build the love of their life scenario after the first date, as our hardwiring does.
What’s the point? If you want to date healthy men, get ready for what appears to be “lack of commitment” (unless he is eagerly looking for a nurse or a purse, which you definitely don’t want!). It takes men at least five “sessions” (i.e. dates) before the light dawns: Wow. I really like this woman. I think I might like to spend more time with her. Translation of what this guy is thinking for women: This might be the beginning of a real relationship. What a concept – we women arrived at that conclusion after the first date!
Don’t take it personally, and don’t call him right away or ever. We liberated women don’t like this next bit of advice: Let him come to you. Yes, it still bears out in the long run. If you felt good energy, chances are that he did, too, and he will call again – maybe right away, but not always. My male clients who claim to have difficulties finding the right woman tell me this: often they are highly attracted to a woman – and call her maybe once a month. I always ask: How can she possibly know that you like her that much if you don’t call her? Inevitably, a puzzled look comes across their face. The usual answer is I don’t know.
In the end, each of us has to decide as a woman what characteristics we are willing to tolerate in our dates. If you are faced with a man who declares his fondness for you, but rarely calls, it’s up to you to decide if he is right for you. If you decide to wait it out, my advice is to remember what your mother told you in high school. There are plenty of other fish in the sea. Keep fishing! The time you spend with other men, or simply looking for other men, will pass quickly. Before you know it, the phone will ring from Mr. Wonderful. If it doesn’t, you haven’t lost anything. Instead, you are on your way to finding Mr. Wonderful #2, and you can easily address Mr. Wonderful #1 with my favorite word in dating, Next!
Then, the phone doesn’t ring. For days. No email. No text message. What gives? You begin to obsess. Did I drop the ball? Maybe I promised to call him? What if I just shoot him a quick text? I will email him with the names of those CDs we talked about. Does he have another woman? And the big one: Was I too fat/skinny/flat-chested/big butted/tall/short/pick-a-fault!?Understand this about men: they think in boxes with events neatly compartmentalized, separately. We women think in one long flowing interconnected line. That means that we build on events – one leads to the next, and so forth. That doesn’t happen in the typical male mind. Each date is a session unto itself. After the first date, the closest most guys get to actually thinking, “This one is a keeper” is this: “I had a good time. I could see her again.” Yes, men get smitten, too – but their hardwiring doesn’t allow them to frantically build the love of their life scenario after the first date, as our hardwiring does.What’s the point? If you want to date healthy men, get ready for what appears to be “lack of commitment” (unless he is eagerly looking for a nurse or a purse, which you definitely don’t want!). It takes men at least five “sessions” (i.e. dates) before the light dawns: Wow. I really like this woman. I think I might like to spend more time with her. Translation of what this guy is thinking for women: This might be the beginning of a real relationship. What a concept – we women arrived at that conclusion after the first date!Don’t take it personally, and don’t call him right away or ever. We liberated women don’t like this next bit of advice: Let him come to you. Yes, it still bears out in the long run. If you felt good energy, chances are that he did, too, and he will call again – maybe right away, but not always. My male clients who claim to have difficulties finding the right woman tell me this: often they are highly attracted to a woman – and call her maybe once a month. I always ask: How can she possibly know that you like her that much if you don’t call her? Inevitably, a puzzled look comes across their face. The usual answer is I don’t know.In the end, each of us has to decide as a woman what characteristics we are willing to tolerate in our dates. If you are faced with a man who declares his fondness for you, but rarely calls, it’s up to you to decide if he is right for you. If you decide to wait it out, my advice is to remember what your mother told you in high school. There are plenty of other fish in the sea. Keep fishing! The time you spend with other men, or simply looking for other men, will pass quickly. Before you know it, the phone will ring from Mr. Wonderful. If it doesn’t, you haven’t lost anything. Instead, you are on your way to finding Mr. Wonderful #2, and you can easily address Mr. Wonderful #1 with my favorite word in dating, Next!
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