How much love must you have to watch your beloved fall in love with someone else, and stand by his side to support him? Justice Sandra Day O’Connor loves John O’Connor enough to let go of ego, jealously, and memories of 57 years of marriage. John has Alzheimer’s. He has forgotten who he is married to. “Kay” has walked into his life. They’re teenagers in love, in an Alzheimer’s facility in Phoenix. Justice O’Connor feels relief, we are told. How can this be? Is she simply worn down from dealing with Alzheimer’s? I think that’s the easy answer – the one we want to buy because it fashions the “moving forward” response we would expect from a legendary woman. It’s got to be much deeper than that, with pain and anguish that we can’t begin to imagine.
M. Scott Peck began The Road Less Traveled, with the words, “Life is difficult”. After you understand that, he suggests, life is easier. No doubt, that’s one of the most profound statements ever said, and the most difficult to execute. Today, we would call it acceptance. He also held that loving someone means encouraging them to grow in their own way, not your way. Pushing them to do what they need to do to grow, not what you want them to do.
Justice O’Connor has been through hell with this disease, as have any others who have experienced the gut wrenching experience of watching a loved one’s brain go awry before their very eyes. She gave up the highest court in the land to care for John. Let’s not minimize her struggle by passing it off as “relief”. As you watch her plea for government support, we see a women like many of us who have lived with Alzheimers - tired, sad, and weary – and looking for help. Like many of us, she has endured the ultimate abuse of the disease: “Who are you? Have you met my girlfriend?”.
I want to honor Justice O’Connor. She has given John the ultimate gift – pushing him to do what makes him happy, and accepting a rebuff from her soul mate of 57 years. My heart goes out to you, Justice O’Connor, for taking the very difficult high road. Life is difficult. You must love John with a love deeper than many marriages will ever experience.
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