So easy to forget about the unseen people in our busy lives. I spent yesterday afternoon with a wise, forward-thinking social services supervisor, Jennifer Sinnott, MSW, at Eastern Park Apartments, a division of Northern California Presbyterian Homes and Services (NCPHS) who “gets” the life cycle of sexuality – and that the need never dies. Clap! Clap! Clap! for her – (and her counterpart at The Sequoias, Adi Tzur), and their peers who care deeply that the residents are allowed to get all of their needs met. We’re puttng together a lively program for the residents, all of whom live independently. It’s all about, yes, sex, intimacy, and relationships – mostly redefining how they enjoy their sexual selves late in life. Average age is 80. Population, mostly Russian, Chinese. Fill in the rest with various nationalities. Grandpa and Grandma of all flavors still crave intimacy. These folks will be treated to a workshop that will re-open their lives.
Our conversation took a serious turn when we talked about the eventual splitting up of these lifetime partners when one becomes beyond home care.
The nursing home, or extended care, or total care … whatever your nomenclature. Sterile, gentle, quiet. What if you want to have sex, or be intimate – either with a partner or by yourself? We are not necessarily talking about intercourse, here. In fact, sex may have been redefined to include oral sex, fondling, or just plain cuddling.
So, you want be sexual with your partner when he/she visits. Think about it. A lifetime together, then at the end, your precious intimacy – the bond that holds you together – is challenged. Most facilitities stand aghast at senior folks being sexual. Cuddling is cute. Oral sex is not. Arguments include: it upsets the staff (whose issue is that?); it upsets the other residents (jealous?); it upsets the patient (did anyone ask him/her?). In any case, in my opinion, its inexcusable on any level that partners, whether new or lifetime, are not given intimacy time. Just close the door if you don’t want to know about it. Give them a separate room for a few hours. It could be the gift that keeps them living!
Back to our insightful social worker. She is encouraging the idea of an inservice for all of the staff, for training on how to handle and honor sexuality. How about that? I have done many of these staff inservices, but mostly at my suggestion. She brought it up. How lucky those residents are to have her at the helm. We need more of her! Clap! Clap! Clap!
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Our sexuality is the secret ingredient that keeps us alive, vital, beautiful,
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