A thousand pieces of broken heart all over the sidewalk. I watched her turn away and step bravely into that dorm at Macalester College in St. Paul, Minnesota. By herself. A long way from Cincinnati. Not knowing anyone. Yep. It was officially over, the mama bear years. No tears allowed, yet. Just a big football turned sideways in my throat. Got in the car with my spousal unit. Now it was just us.
Kissed the last of the brood goodbye? says that sex for the two of you goes up afterwards. Agree? Do Cinderella and Prince Charming really appear out of the mist and the abyss that is your marriage? I’m not so sure.
No official survey or research on this, but conversations with clients, readers, and friends – men and women – after the drop off, and two camps immerge: The Do-ers and The NonDo-ers. The Do-ers are like Jane and her amorous hubby in the article. A few heart tugs, but get outta my way to the bedroom (writing studio, craft store, new business, travel agent, etc.). The NonDo-ers look at each other and ask, “Who are you, and why are you in this car with me?”
My take is this: the end was determined long before the college applications went out. Did you take walks alone or together? Did you make time for sex regularly, not because you were supposed to, but because you really lusted after your partner? Did you thrash out problems face to face until they were resolved, tough as it might have been? Was he/she clearly more important than the kids (the dog, the bird, the cat)?
Oh yes, the do-ers did all that. They were an “it” (a unit), and they came first. Even when life was so demanding that they didn’t see each other for weeks on end, that “it” priority was there. Slipping back into sexy playfulness was a natural.
I’m going out on a limb here, but I really believe that if you polled the Nondo-ers, you’ll find that most didn’t savor their partner above the kids. That’s not to say that the nondo-ers are doomed to a sexless life after kids. It’s just going to be a whole lot harder. Some will succeed. Others will live a life of lonely, quiet desperation, probably playing a lot of golf. Then, there will be the divorces.
I know. My former spousal unit and I did all the right things. We conferred about our life and the children. We had weekend dates. We even left Cincinnati and moved to Tucson to build an amazing home and start over when our younger daughter left. Then, we got divorced. The kids were more important than we were, and the marriage took the hit. The “it” of the Do-ers was just not there, and the marriage shattered. It wasn’t quite that simple, of course. It never is. There were other major issues, as well, but there was no question that we did not insist on our partnership as a priority. It cost us, big time.
Sex after the kids leave? Too late to start then. A better question is: Sex while the kids are at home? Aye, there’s the rub.
What’s your story? Sex life soars after the fledglings have left the nest? Or not? What happened to you?
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