In the last three days, I have had two men over 50 ask me about sex and cancer – and their faded libido after cancer treatments. No one wants to talk about sex and cancer. Not the doctors. Not the nurses. Not the social workers. Not friends. Not even partners. The subject of sex is tough enough to discuss with professionals before the cancer. After the cancer, it’s practically impossible. The big question: will a sex life come back? The answer is yes. The odds are with you.
I’m writing this blog for men, because women are professional relationship people, great connectors, and generally can easily ask for understanding adn information. Men are less likely to ask for help. Yet, sex is a critical part of most men’s life. As one man put it, ” Sexual feelings and sexuality are the most wonderful and beautiful things on the face of the earth.” – and we don’t want to lose that.
For men who have been sexually very active, the body will do its best to return to normalcy. Like everything else with cancer, it may be a new normal (your body consistently reacting differently than it has before). It depends on the individual, the mindset and the attitude.
My favorite phrase about this is: yougottawannawanna. Mindset is critical. I have seen people who couldn’t smell, taste, hear, see or talk after heavy treatments – who got those senses all back and their libido! Both men mentioned at the beginning are seriously dismayed and worried that the joy of sex was gone for them. It’s not. The body has been thrown a curve ball with chemo, radiation, and even surgery. It’s busy trying to get it all balanced, and it can’t do it all at once.
The American Cancer Society has good reading on “Keeping Your Sex Life Going”, and lots of links to other discussions around cancer and sex. Check it out.
It’s not just fear of losing arousal that cancer patients face, sexually. There’s so much more. Grief. Loneliness. Depression. Anger. Reactions to body changes. All these contribute to getting the libido back. Putting these aside can be almost impossible!
Communication is the key. If you are partnered, talk honestly about your feelings and your fears. If you are single, find a trusted friend, a spiritual counselor, or seek out coach familiar with sex and cancer. I will be happy to help you, or I can help find you a counselor. Being single with cancer can require you to reach out just at a time when you would rather pull in. It’s not easy. Talk openly about your concerns.
Here are some basic, simple suggestions to a very, very complex situation:
- If you don’t want to be touched, tell your partner or that person wanting to hug you. You will want to be touched later, just not right now.
- If you are missing sexual feelings, consider watching juicy erotica.
- Masturbating, or even gently caressing genitals can be reassuring.
- Take the emphasis off orgasm. Enjoy the sensual feelings. Orgasms can come later.
- Take the pressure off having intercourse. This is more about pleasuring gently, not performance.
Here are some additional helpful links:
- From the UK Cancer Research Center on how cancer can affect your sex life. Let’s give one point to socialized medicine!
- This is one woman’s grueling battle with multiple myeloma - with a very happy ending.
There is so much about this subject that one small blog cannot possibly address. I’d like to get a dialogue going. What have you done to help you get through cancer?
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