Three dates with her. First kiss. Tenderly, she touches your face. You lean towards her. Your lips meet. The kiss lingers. Wow – there’s a spark here! She looks deeply into your eyes and says, “Oh, Michael, that was wonderful”. Except that your name is not Michael. Your name is Howard. Ugh. Talk about dumping water on the fire! Now, what do you do? Do you tell her she has the wrong guy? Do you say nothing? Do you leave? Help me, here. What DO you do?
One thing we all do in this situation, for sure: get offended. You can’t help it, right? I mean, after all, there’s been delightful conversation. This is the third date. She told you she wasn’t seeing anyone. She flirted. She touched your leg under the table at dinner tonight. She talked about showing you her photography collection after the restaurant. She held your hand when you offered yours. She told you how much she enjoyed your company. What’s the deal?
The deal is that we bring a lifetime of experience with us when we date at midlife and beyond. We bring shadows of people left long ago. We bring memories. We bring successes. We bring failures. We bring a whole package. The famous 90+ year old “Dr. Ruth” told me that the bedroom is not just you, after 50. It’s all those people you’ve known all your life right there in bed with you.
I think you just let it go, and tell her later – and laugh about it. I think you go ahead and meander straight into her bedroom if you are both so inclined. You just let it go. You choose not to be offended.
Yesterday, I heard a wonderful lecture by grief coach Joseph Hanson, Jr., entitled What’s Your Story (from his new book, Soaring Into Acceptance). He woke me up! When I get offended (and I get offended more than I care to admit!), it’s robbing me of energy and connection with important people AND LIFE!
Think about it. Your date calls you the wrong name. Your reaction? Well, she’s not over him yet, is she! … or … I choose not to be offended. Which one makes your life more enjoyable and frees you from miserable negativity? It’s a phrase I used all day today.
When I got on MUNI tonight to ride home on the bus – there I was with my broken foot and crutches at rush hour. I scrambled on the bus, crutches going every which way. A woman gave up her seat. How nice. Just then, another woman slid right in to that very seat, put in her Ipod, and ignored me. Grrrr. I was peeved. Then, I remembered Joe’s seminar. I choose not to be offended. As soon as I said that to myself, a guy in the first row got up and gave me his seat. All of us were happier all the way around. I was amazed.
So, when she calls you the wrong name, or when someone lets loose with a wicked tongue, save yourself from yourself, and let it go. Choose not to be offended.
Remember the old saying: ”Holding onto anger is like taking poison and hoping the other person dies”? Choose not to be offended. See what happens.
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I think you could also say “I so glad that was good for you too, _________ (a name not hers).”
Laughter is a great tonic for gaffs. Anyway, if she realized that she made the error, and you didn’t say anything, she may harbor some embarrassment that may get in the way of a good thing.