Yesterday, I facilitated a seminar on sexuality for men here in San Francisco. When I asked the group, “What does sexuality mean to you right now?” a fellow shouted, “Nothing! It means absolutely nothing. Oh, it used to mean something, but those days are long gone. I have to think hard to remember what it was like!” This guy is married – a long term marriage, maybe 38 years. What must their intimacy be like? Like so many other long term marriages, my guess is that their sex life has vanished.
I’ve heard this strong reaction before. What happens to get a guy to the point where he simply gives up on sex with his partner? Is it turning 50, or 60, or 70, or 80? Is it the fear that he won’t be able to get hard or maintain an erection? Is it because he doesn’t feel comfortable enough to talk about his vulnerability to his partner? What’s going on, here?
I think one explanation is that some men at midlife and beyond are so worried about performance that they just give up on sex with their partners. “It’s not as hard. I’m not as much of a man, anymore. I can live without sex with my partner. I can find a way around it.” Then what happens? Watch him dive into an activity that consumes his sexual energy and attention. He may choose some healthy hobby (golf, hiking, reading) or some not-so-healthy pursuit (more time at the office, eating and drinking too much, searching elsewhere for sexual outlets). The bad news? By running away, he is severing himself from his partner, the person who cares most about him.
Soon, sexual intimacy with his partner takes second fiddle (or 3rd or 4th) to his new activity. The relationship stiffens. Lives begin to run parallel rather than interwoven, becoming sexually lifeless for the two of them. You do your thing. I do mine. A life of quiet desperation. If either wants to touch the other, neither has the courage to show it.
What would I tell this man at the seminar? For men, fear of getting and maintaining an erection is absolutely normal at midlife and beyond. The fear is real, and it’s the fear itself – rather than physical aging – that effects performance: getting hard and staying hard. Instead of running from the fear, or hiding from it, face it head on.
Talk to your partner. Allow your partner the chance to be compassionate and understanding. Be honest and allow your vulnerability to show. That, in itself, will reduce the fear monster. Get tips on how to talk to your partner. Just by having the discussion, you breathe new life into the relationship. Opportunities for sexual intimacy with your partner will begin to surface, even if sex appears to have flatlined. It didn’t die. It just slipped into a coma. Talking honestly to your partner will start to revive the patient.
What would you tell him?
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