I don’t ride horses anymore because I don’t want to. I never really liked it in the first place. I was always afraid that I was going to fall off (which I did several times), and the theory of “get right back on” always scared me to death, and I hated it. I only did it because that was what my friends were doing, or I was trying to be cool and impressive and adventurous to snag the right man to be the father of my children. Now, I am 60. I plan to never put my foot in a stirrup again. I don’t want to, I don’t have to, and, thank God, I am not looking for the father of my children.
I think we finally grow up as Boomers plus – at 50, 60, 70, 80 and beyond. If we can get out of our own way, and let go of expectations of what we should be, we can finally live the life we want. We can decide not to befriend people who irritate us. We don’t have to date people we don’t like. We don’t have to seek a respectable specimen to father our progeny. We can say no to playing bridge, golf, tennis, biking, hiking, rock climbing, poetry reading, swimming, canning vegetables, listening to classical music, even cooking, if we want to. We can choose to live alone and love it. We can feel comfortable, authentic, and honest in our own skin. We don’t have to pretend anymore. We can just be who we are – if we have the courage to let ourselves.
The same thing is true with sex. We can define the sex life we want, not the sex life we think we are supposed to have. We can decide what we like to have done to us and what we don’t like doing with or without a partner. We can lay it all out for them so we are pleasured and they are pleasuring.
Sex at midlife (baby boomers) and beyond can be: an invigorating adventure; a hobby; simple holding and cuddling; a gentle sensual expression of love; a private act that we enjoy just with ourselves. If married, we can choose to live together, or live side-by-side in adjoining apartments. We can decide to live with a partner, not marry them. We can find ourselves in a same sex relationship because it’s just easier, and we can choose whether or not to be sexual with that person. We can decide not to have sex with anyone, ever again (though I always tell my clients, “never say NEVER AGAIN” – that’s a sure set up).
The point is, at our age, the possibilities are endless. Isn’t it great? There is a certain freedom that comes with age that we can truly enjoy, when we let go of expectations and performance. We can call our own shots.
For me, I’m not riding horses anymore. I am going to wear more purple and more orange. I am going to read more romance novels. And, I am going to stop pretending and tell my boyfriend how I really like my oral sex.
What are you going to do?
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If there’s one thing I loved about turning 50 (and I loved a LOT of things about turning 50), it was the freedom to do what I want without caring what people think. Sex can be anything you want it to be, and I wish I’d known that 30+ years ago. Fortunately, my life partner is an older man who realizes sex has lots of dimensions. He’s sensual and sensuous all the time–and it’s great. Much less pressure to Have Sex; instead, sex is just one piece of a full and healthy relationship.