On the plane today, I sat next to a woman whose specialty is tai chi for disabled persons, especially individuals who can’t stand because of life debilitating situations. She teaches them how to do Tai Chi from a sitting position in a chair. Her clients run an age span of 45 to 95! Isn’t that amazing? It’s just as spiritual, she says, as the standing Tai Chi. They get immense joy from the experience, and find it rewarding, relaxing, and critical to their joy in life.
I suggested that she might enjoy checking out Sins Invalid – an organization that celebrates sexuality as part of being disabled. They find the art in it, and do it through dance. It’s startling, amazing, and magnificent!
I told her that my specialty was invigorating sexuality at midlife and beyond. Frequently, my clients are “disabled” in their own way: they get stuck in who and how they should be sexually. I want to help them find pleasure in new expressions of sexuality.
I am reminded of a life saving phrase that my good friend, seminar co-facilitator and Acceptance Coach Joe Hanson talks about in my invigorating Intimate Connections workshop for partners: “Accept reality. Assume responsibility. Adjust your response, creatively“. Simple and to the point. How not to become sexually “disabled”. How does it work?
- Accept Reality: You aren’t the performance star you were at 25. That’s just the way it is. You may be able to get it on with Olympic sex, occasionally. Most of the time, it just ain’t gonna happen! And thank goodness! It’s an exhausting task, trying to pretend you are 25 when you are 55! Being 25 means performing and impressing. Being 55+ means pleasing and enjoying sex.
- Assume Responsibility: It means to start where you really are. It means assuming responsibility (“I take full responsibility for my roll in this situation”) for too tired, not enough time, or it hurts. It also means owning your feelings for your highly charged, “horniness”. Basically it means being directly honest about how you feel, with yourself and others.
- Adjust your response, creatively:. This is where you learn to do tai chi from a chair! Talk about it. Learn how to talk with your partner and look for creative ideas to be sexual that you both can live with, even in limiting situations. (Let’s set aside Friday night as our sex date. Or, let’s take the pressure off and just hold each other with no expectations tonight. Or, let’s get some great lubricant so it doesn’t hurt. Or, let me give you a massage. Or, let’s make love with no intercourse, and see what happens?)
What is getting in the way of truly enjoying a sexual relationship with your partner? Too tired? Same old routine? Performance anxiety? If disabled folks can do tai chi, surely we in midlife and beyond can find a way to be wonderfully sexual, and be joyful about it.
What creative ways do you manage to get sexual intimacy in your life? What hurdles do you face, and how have you gotten past them?
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