5.11.10 For Better or worse? No amazing secret say 50+
My friend Joan intends to write a book called The Duh Factor… a tale of all those self help books that conclude, with great flourish and drama, in a big blinding flash of the obvious. A big, “well, Duh!”. We’ve all read them – the ones where we think why didn’t we write this, it’s so obvious!
From our seats at midlife and beyond, it’s amusing to observe younger generations unearth ostensibly new profound observations about romance, relationships and intimacy. Tara Parker-Pope, health journalist and writer for the New York Times’ Well blog, uncovered such “duh” factors while researching her new book, For Better: The Science of a Good Marriage.” Salon magazine (www.salon.com)
has a great review [http://www.salon.com/books/feature/2010/05/10/science_of_marriage_interview?source=newsletter]. All that time and energy to scientifically prove what makes a good marriage. Seriously? When did matters of the heart become fodder for scientific study? She could have just asked any of us.
Basically, she found out that good marriages require working hard on being nice to each other, understanding, and patience. Well, duh. Yes, and how about regular intimacy and a sense of humor? Here’s what my clients say – both those that have great marriages, and those who ended in divorce. All of them that I asked, 50 to 100, say #1 is “let it go” and don’t go down to the mat except for the really big stuff. #2 is keep your sense of humor. #3 is, yes, you guessed it: stay sexually and intimately active – however you define it. Care enough to figure out how to inflate that flat tire of passion!
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In case you don’t have time to read the entire Salon article, here’s a quote that sums it up:
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As “For Better” points out, researchers found that couples in lasting marriages have at least five small positive interactions (touching, smiling, paying a compliment) for every negative one (sneering, eye rolling, withdrawal). When the ratio drops, the risk of divorce increases. Snoring and other sleep problems can contribute enormously to marital unhappiness. How you treat your partner during the first three minutes of a fight determines whether the argument will be good or bad for your marriage — launching a volley of personal criticisms is worse than opening up a discussion with a complaint. It’s these small but recognizable actions, claims Parker-Pope, that distinguish a marriage bound for splitsville from couples who stay together.
Really? No kidding? Who knew? I never would have guessed…
Duh!
My friend Joan intends to write a book called The Duh Factor… a tale of all those self help books that conclude, with great flourish and drama, in a big blinding flash of the obvious. A big, “well, Duh!”. We’ve all read them – the ones where we think why didn’t we write this, it’s so obvious!
From our seats at midlife and beyond, it’s amusing to observe younger generations unearth ostensibly new profound observations about romance, relationships and intimacy. Tara Parker-Pope, health journalist and writer for The New York Times’ Well blog, uncovered such “duh” factors while researching her new book, “For Better: The Science of a Good Marriage.” Salon magazine has a great review. All that time and energy to scientifically prove what makes a good marriage. Seriously? When did matters of the heart become fodder for scientific study? She could have just asked any of us.
Basically, she found out that good marriages require working hard on being nice to each other, understanding, and patience. Well, duh. Yes, and how about regular intimacy and a sense of humor? Here’s what my clients say – both those that have great marriages, and those who ended in divorce. All of them that I asked, 50 to 100, say:
#1 is “let it go” and don’t go down to the mat except for the really big stuff.
#2 is keep your sense of humor.
#3 is, yes, you guessed it: stay sexually and intimately active – however you define it. Care enough to figure out how to inflate that flat tire of passion! Continue Reading…
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